Promoting resilience and wellbeing

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Why Do Our Teenagers Change When They're Around Their Friends?

One of the conversations that has become very familiar to me over the summer is how different our teenagers can be when their friends are around. Their friends come to stay for a few days and suddenly the house is not good enough, the food is not good enough, where we live is boring. It can come across as ungrateful, or spoiled, which feels really hard when we have put in the effort and the money to give them a good experience. As a parent it is really easy to take this personally so it helps to know what’s going on underneath it. Lisa Damour talks about teenagers building a brand. A big part of being a teenager is working out who you are with your friends, separate from who you are with your family. That version of themselves is something they care about and want to protect. So, when their friends are in our house, they start seeing their home life the way their friends might see it, and noticing the bits that don’t fit the version of themselves they want to be. It ...

Three things I have been thinking about since Alton Towers

Yesterday I was sitting in a café near Alton Towers. There was a dad on the next table and he was talking to an older couple on the table behind him. The gist of the story was that he had been to the park that day with his kids and they had observed a little girl of about six or seven who was screaming and hitting out at her mum, in front of a very long queue of people. The older couple didn't ask any more questions. They knew straight away what the problem was. The child needed more discipline, more consequences, essentially her parents needed to parent her. They were doing the thing that all of us do, which is to see a behaviour and reach for the story that makes quickest sense of it. A child behaving badly must mean a parent who isn't doing their job properly. I have been thinking about that conversation ever since, and there are three things I keep coming back to. One. Some children just feel things more Nobody at that table wondered about the little girl and why she ha...

I Bought the Fast Pass

Have you ever bought a fast pass at a waterpark? You know the ones, you pay a bit extra and you get to skip the queues. Everyone without one joins the longest queue, you don't have too. It was half term this week and we went to a waterpark. It was a really hot day, the place was packed with kids and the queues for all the slides were pretty long. At the entrance I bought fast pass wristbands without really thinking about it and for most of the day we were absolutely delighted to have them. Then in the afternoon a new ride opened. It was the biggest slide in the park and the whole morning kids all over the park were talking about it. There was already a queue of kids waiting who had got there before us. We walked straight past them and got on first because of our wristbands. It felt awkward for so many different reasons. We have known from decades of research, going back to Albert Bandura's work on social learning theory in the 1970s, that children learn fa...

What Actually Helps Our Teenagers in the Run-Up to Exams (and What Doesn't)

You know the way the whole house changes in the run-up to exams. They're stressed, we're stressed, and most of us start saying things we wouldn't say at any other time of year. Things like this is the one that matters and if you don't do well now you'll regret it. We mean well. We're trying to motivate them, or sometimes we're just worried and it comes out as pressure. But there's a fairly large body of research now telling us that this kind of talk, which researchers call fear appeals , actually makes things worse for the teenagers who are already anxious. It bumps up the worry, gets in the way of their concentration in the exam itself, and is associated with lower grades, not higher ones. So before we get to what we can do, it's worth starting with what's not helping. Because most of us are doing one or two of these without realising. Why anxious thoughts make exams harder We all know our teens have to remember a lot for exams. Frenc...

Idiot Compassion and Wise Compassion: Which One Are We Reaching For?

As a clinical psychologist, I spend a lot of time sitting with people who are struggling because of something a well-meaning person did for them. Not to them. For them. There's a term in the literature for this. It's called idiot compassion; it comes from Buddhist psychology and means compassion that prioritises someone's immediate comfort over their long-term wellbeing. It feels like kindness. It looks like kindness. And it is almost always motivated by kindness. But it's also motivated by a human need to not feel helpless. As parents of teenagers, we are particularly vulnerable to this. Our teenager comes home and something has gone wrong. Maybe something has happened in their friend group, or they couldn't answer the maths question, and something in us shifts into problem-solving. We reassure, we rationalise, we problem solve. They seem okay and we feel better. This is the short-term gain. The cost of idiot compassion is the subtle message it sends our teenage...

The Rage to Master: Reminding Teens That Not All Effort Is Equal

When Alysa Liu skated at the Winter Olympics, we saw this remarkably composed young woman with exquisite technical precision. What we didn’t see on our TV screens was her relationship with skating. The long hours she spent practicing a skill she both enjoyed and steadily mastered. That combination, liking something, getting better at it, and using it to meet challenge, is a powerful engine of human motivation. This idea surfaced recently when Reese Witherspoon reflected publicly on the importance of discovering one’s talents. Her point was not about celebrity or success, but about something more ordinary and more consequential: people thrive when they find an activity that feels like a natural fit. Psychologists call this working from one’s strengths. Research in positive psychology suggests that a true strength has three features. It is something a person enjoys. It is something they do well or improve at with practice. And it is something that provides energy rather ...

This is What's Influencing our Teens

Have you ever looked at your teen’s phone and wondered how it is that everyone seems to be doing the same thing at the same time? The matching clothes. The shared slang. The sudden interest in a product or challenge that did not exist last week. What we are seeing is one of the most powerful forces shaping our teens’ behaviour: social norms. Norms are the unspoken rules of a group — the invisible “this is how we do things” that our teens are constantly scanning for. They influence what our teen wears, who they spend time with and which trends they feel compelled to join, online and off. From a developmental perspective, this makes sense. The adolescent brain is built to notice social cues. Belonging is not just emotionally meaningful; it activates reward systems that are still under construction. For our teens, fitting in feels good. Being left out can feel genuinely painful. Social media has amplified this natural sensitivity. Algorithms allow trends to spread at remarkable ...

Parenting: Looking Back on a Tricky Christmas with Teens.

In my clinic, in the weeks after Christmas, a familiar pattern often emerges in conversations with parents of teenagers. There is disappointment that time together felt tense rather than warm, or that connection seemed harder to reach. Many of us find ourselves wondering whether this is simply how things are now, or whether something has gone wrong. For families with teenagers, a difficult Christmas is not a sign of failure. Christmas amplifies everything. Routines fall away, sleep patterns change, social demands increase, and private space shrinks. At the same time, expectations rise. As parents, we desperately want closeness, fun, and shared moments. For our teens — who are already managing heightened emotions and a growing need for independence — this combination can feel overwhelming. Developmental psychology helps make sense of this. We know our teens experience emotions more intensely than we do, and we know the brain systems responsible for emotional regulation, impulse co...

Why do we suddenly feel about 12 when we arrive home for Christmas

If we are lucky, we had pretty good childhoods — some messy bits, some lovely bits — and yet heading back to our family home can still bring up a lot of tricky feelings. We walk through the door, smell something familiar, hear the same old jokes, and suddenly we feel a bit different. A bit younger. A bit touchier. A bit more sensitive. If that happens to you, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It’s simply how our brains work. When we return to places where we learned, grew, argued, and at least partially became who we are, our bodies remember the emotional atmosphere of those years. Psychologists call this “state-dependent memory,” and what it means is that certain rooms, voices, and routines wake up old emotional patterns — even if our adult lives feel stable and healthy. Our families also have a way of nudging us back into our old roles without meaning to. Maybe we were the bossy one, or the peacemaker, or the “easy” child who didn’t make waves. We might not play those role...

When Presence is the Intervention

Parenting teenagers is a paradox. They desperately want independence but still need us close by. They long for connection but often push it away. For so many of us, this stage feels like walking a tightrope — we try to be close without crowding, to be supportive without smothering. It’s confusing. The teen years bring rapid brain development: emotional centres like the amygdala and limbic system are highly active, while the prefrontal cortex — responsible for planning, impulse control, and perspective-taking — is still developing. So, our teenagers feel their feelings so intensely but don’t yet have the full capacity to manage them. And while this makes for many hard moments, it’s important because this is what pushes our teens to test boundaries, take risks, and practice independence — all crucial steps in becoming capable, self-reliant adults. So where does that leave us, apart from feeling discombobulated. This leaves us with presence. ...

The 5:1 Rule: A Simple Way to Stay Connected with Your Teen

If you’re parenting a tween or teen, you’ve probably felt it — that slow shift as they start pulling away. The chats get shorter, the eye rolls more frequent, and suddenly the door to their room is shut more often than it’s open. This is a normal (and healthy) part of growing up. Our kids are figuring out who they are, and part of that process means leaning more on their friends and less on us. But it’s hard. And we know that conflict comes with the territory when we are raising teenagers. Whether it’s about phones, school stress, or staying out too late, the opportunities for conflict are pretty high. Without meaning to, a lot of our communication can start to sound like nagging, correcting, or reminding. Even neutral comments like “Did you do your homework?” or “Don’t forget your shoes” can come across as criticism. This is where holding on to the 5:1 rule can be super helpful. It comes from Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades a...

The Surprising Benefits of Back to School Nerves

As September approaches, many (not all) of our kids will be feeling nervous about returning to school. New teachers, new friendships, new routines—these changes often bring a mixture of anticipation and unease. For us, it can be hard to watch our kids wrestle with worry, but it is helpful to remember that a little anxiety is not only normal, it can actually be beneficial. Essentially anxiety is the body’s way of saying: “Pay attention—something important is happening.” That slight knot in their tummies is not a malfunction; it is their nervous system preparing to adapt to change. Lisa Damour, clinical psychologist, often compares stress to exercise. Muscles grow when they are challenged, but only if the strain is manageable and followed by recovery. Emotional life works the same way. A new class, unfamiliar routines or meeting new classmates may feel uncomfortable, but these experiences help our kids to strengthen resilience and discover that they can cope with challe...

Why Boredom Is the Best Thing About Summer for Our Kids

We’re only a few weeks into summer, and I’m guessing many of us are already hearing the familiar cry from our kids: “I’m bored!” It’s such a natural parenting instinct to try and fix it right away—we set up activities, we turn on a screen, or we jump in to entertain them. But boredom isn’t something we need to rush to solve. In fact, it can be surprisingly good for our kids’ developing brains. Boredom is like your brain’s way of nudging you and saying, “Hey, let’s go find something new to do!.” And it doesn’t feel great but when our kids sit with that feeling instead of escaping it, their brains start connecting old ideas with new ones. That mix of daydreaming and problem-solving is exactly how creativity begins. And something powerful happens when our kids work out what to do on their own. They are using the “planning” part of the brain that helps with independence and decision-making. And when they invent their own fun, the brain gives a bigger dose of the feel-good c...

When Phone Use Becomes Emotional Coping: What a New Study Reveals About Kids and Screens

One of the most common clinical questions I get asked is about phones and social media. Many parents (myself included) are grappling with their child’s phone use and wondering whether it’s crossing the line into something more concerning. Our kids live in a world where phones, apps, and social media are deeply woven into daily life — and as parents, it’s incredibly hard to untangle what’s OK from what might be harmful. A new study published in JAMA Pediatrics (June 2025) offers some timely insight — and tentative reassurance — for everyone trying to navigate this challenge. This large-scale study followed more than 4,300 children aged 8 to 12 over four years. The researchers weren’t just measuring how much time kids spent on their phones — they were also looking at what they described as addictive patterns of use . Importantly, addictive behaviours didn’t simply mean spending lots of time on phones or social media. It meant compulsive, emotionally fraught patterns of use,...

Before You Post: What Every Parent Should Know About "Sharenting"

Have you ever heard of the term “sharenting”? It was first popularised in a 2010 article by The Wall Street Journal , and combines “sharing” and “parenting” to describe the growing trend of posting content about our kids online—mainly on social media. Over the past couple of years, I have spoken with several young people who were struggling with what their parents were sharing online. They felt embarrassed and frustrated that personal moments from their childhood and early adolescence were posted without their consent and this experience is not unique. Increasingly, young people are expressing discomfort with “sharenting,” and while it is usually well-intentioned, this practice raises important questions about privacy, autonomy, and emotional wellbeing. As parents, we share for a variety of reasons. Many of us post to stay connected with family, to document memories, or to seek support from online communities. For some, it’s a way to feel seen and validated in the challenges of p...

When Shame Takes Hold: Reflections on the Netflix Drama Adolescence

As a clinical psychologist and a mother of two young teenagers, the Netflix drama Adolescence was a hard watch. The British drama follows the story of Jamie Miller, a 13-year-old boy arrested for the murder of a classmate. Through this narrative the drama poignantly explores the psychological challenges faced by many young people today. One of the central themes in Adolescence is shame. Unlike guilt—which is tied to specific actions (“I did something wrong”)—shame is much more complicated. It’s the painful belief that something is fundamentally wrong (“I am wrong”). And for teenagers, who are already highly sensitive to how they are seen by others, shame can be especially destructive. During adolescence, young people become more self-conscious. Their brains are rapidly developing, especially in areas related to social awareness and emotional regulation. As a result, criticism, rejection, or even small failures can feel overwhelming. These experiences can ea...