Promoting resilience and wellbeing

  As a clinical psychologist, I spend a lot of time sitting with people who are struggling because of something a well-meaning person did for them. Not to them. For them. There's a term in the literature for this. It's called idiot compassion; it comes from Buddhist psychology and means compassion that prioritises someone's immediate comfort over their long-term wellbeing. It feels like kindness. It looks like kindness. And it is almost always motivated by kindness. But it's also motivated by a human need to not feel helpless. As parents of teenagers, we are particularly vulnerable to this. Our teenager comes home and something has gone wrong. Maybe something has happened in their friend group, or they couldn't answer the maths question, and something in us shifts into problem-solving. We reassure, we rationalise, we problem solve. They seem okay and we feel better. This is the short-term gain. The cost of idiot compassion is the subtle message it sends our teenage...

When Alysa Liu skated at the Winter Olympics, we saw this remarkably composed young woman with exquisite technical precision.   What we didn’t see on our TV screens was her relationship with skating.  The long hours she spent practicing a skill she both enjoyed and steadily mastered. That combination, liking something, getting better at it, and using it to meet challenge, is a powerful engine of human motivation. This idea surfaced recently when Reese Witherspoon reflected publicly on the importance of discovering one’s talents. Her point was not about celebrity or success, but about something more ordinary and more consequential: people thrive when they find an activity that feels like a natural fit. Psychologists call this working from one’s strengths. Research in positive psychology suggests that a true strength has three features. It is something a person enjoys. It is something they do well or improve at with practice. And it is something that provides energy rather ...

  Have you ever looked at your teen’s phone and wondered how it is that everyone seems to be doing the same thing at the same time? The matching clothes. The shared slang. The sudden interest in a product or challenge that did not exist last week. What we are seeing is one of the most powerful forces shaping our teens’ behaviour: social norms. Norms are the unspoken rules of a group — the invisible “this is how we do things” that our teens are constantly scanning for. They influence what our teen wears, who they spend time with and which trends they feel compelled to join, online and off. From a developmental perspective, this makes sense. The adolescent brain is built to notice social cues. Belonging is not just emotionally meaningful; it activates reward systems that are still under construction. For our teens, fitting in feels good. Being left out can feel genuinely painful. Social media has amplified this natural sensitivity. Algorithms allow trends to spread at remarkable ...

  In my clinic, in the weeks after Christmas, a familiar pattern often emerges in conversations with parents of teenagers. There is disappointment that time together felt tense rather than warm, or that connection seemed harder to reach. Many of us find ourselves wondering whether this is simply how things are now, or whether something has gone wrong. For families with teenagers, a difficult Christmas is not a sign of failure. Christmas amplifies everything. Routines fall away, sleep patterns change, social demands increase, and private space shrinks. At the same time, expectations rise. As parents, we desperately want closeness, fun, and shared moments. For our teens — who are already managing heightened emotions and a growing need for independence — this combination can feel overwhelming. Developmental psychology helps make sense of this. We know our teens experience emotions more intensely than we do, and we know the brain systems responsible for emotional regulation, impulse co...

  If we are lucky, we had pretty good childhoods — some messy bits, some lovely bits — and yet heading back to our family home can still bring up a lot of tricky feelings. We walk through the door, smell something familiar, hear the same old jokes, and suddenly we feel a bit different. A bit younger. A bit touchier. A bit more sensitive. If that happens to you, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It’s simply how our brains work. When we return to places where we learned, grew, argued, and at least partially became who we are, our bodies remember the emotional atmosphere of those years. Psychologists call this “state-dependent memory,” and what it means is that certain rooms, voices, and routines wake up old emotional patterns — even if our adult lives feel stable and healthy. Our families also have a way of nudging us back into our old roles without meaning to. Maybe we were the bossy one, or the peacemaker, or the “easy” child who didn’t make waves. We might not play those role...

  Parenting teenagers is a paradox. They desperately want independence but still need us close by.     They long for connection but often push it away. For so many of us, this stage feels like walking a tightrope — we try to be close without crowding, to be supportive without smothering. It’s confusing. The teen years bring rapid brain development: emotional centres like the amygdala and limbic system are highly active, while the prefrontal cortex — responsible for planning, impulse control, and perspective-taking — is still developing. So, our teenagers feel their feelings so intensely but don’t yet have the full capacity to manage them.   And while this makes for many hard moments, it’s important because this is what pushes our teens to test boundaries, take risks, and practice independence — all crucial steps in becoming capable, self-reliant adults. So where does that leave us, apart from feeling discombobulated.   This leaves us with presence.   ...

  If you’re parenting a tween or teen, you’ve probably felt it — that slow shift as they start pulling away. The chats get shorter, the eye rolls more frequent, and suddenly the door to their room is shut more often than it’s open. This is a normal (and healthy) part of growing up. Our kids are figuring out who they are, and part of that process means leaning more on their friends and less on us. But it’s hard.   And we know that conflict comes with the territory when we are raising teenagers.   Whether it’s about phones, school stress, or staying out too late, the opportunities for conflict are pretty high. Without meaning to, a lot of our communication can start to sound like nagging, correcting, or reminding. Even neutral comments like “Did you do your homework?” or “Don’t forget your shoes” can come across as criticism. This is where holding on to the 5:1 rule can be super helpful.     It comes from Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades a...

  As September approaches, many (not all) of our kids will be feeling nervous about returning to school. New teachers, new friendships, new routines—these changes often bring a mixture of anticipation and unease. For us, it can be hard to watch our kids wrestle with worry, but it is helpful to remember that a little anxiety is not only normal, it can actually be beneficial. Essentially anxiety is the body’s way of saying: “Pay attention—something important is happening.”   That slight knot in their tummies is not a malfunction; it is their nervous system preparing to adapt to change. Lisa Damour, clinical psychologist, often compares stress to exercise. Muscles grow when they are challenged, but only if the strain is manageable and followed by recovery. Emotional life works the same way. A new class, unfamiliar routines or meeting new classmates may feel uncomfortable, but these experiences help our kids to strengthen resilience and discover that they can cope with challe...

  We’re only a few weeks into summer, and I’m guessing many of us are already hearing the familiar cry from our kids: “I’m bored!” It’s such a natural parenting instinct to try and fix it right away—we set up activities, we turn on a screen, or we jump in to entertain them. But boredom isn’t something we need to rush to solve. In fact, it can be surprisingly good for our kids’ developing brains. Boredom is like your brain’s way of nudging you and saying, “Hey, let’s go find something new to do!.”  And it doesn’t feel great but when our kids sit with that feeling instead of escaping it, their brains start connecting old ideas with new ones. That mix of daydreaming and problem-solving is exactly how creativity begins. And something powerful happens when our kids work out what to do on their own. They are using the “planning” part of the brain that helps with independence and decision-making. And when they invent their own fun, the brain gives a bigger dose of the feel-good c...

  One of the most common clinical questions I get asked is about phones and social media. Many parents (myself included) are grappling with their child’s phone use and wondering whether it’s crossing the line into something more concerning. Our kids live in a world where phones, apps, and social media are deeply woven into daily life — and as parents, it’s incredibly hard to untangle what’s OK from what might be harmful. A new study published in JAMA Pediatrics (June 2025) offers some timely insight — and tentative reassurance — for everyone trying to navigate this challenge. This large-scale study followed more than 4,300 children aged 8 to 12 over four years. The researchers weren’t just measuring how much time kids spent on their phones — they were also looking at what they described as addictive patterns of use . Importantly, addictive behaviours didn’t simply mean spending lots of time on phones or social media. It meant compulsive, emotionally fraught patterns of use,...

  Have you ever heard of the term “sharenting”? It was first popularised in a 2010 article by The Wall Street Journal , and combines “sharing” and “parenting” to describe the growing trend of posting content about our kids online—mainly on social media. Over the past couple of years, I have spoken with several young people who were struggling with what their parents were sharing online. They felt embarrassed and frustrated that personal moments from their childhood and early adolescence were posted without their consent and this experience is not unique. Increasingly, young people are expressing discomfort with “sharenting,” and while it is usually well-intentioned, this practice raises important questions about privacy, autonomy, and emotional wellbeing. As parents, we share for a variety of reasons. Many of us post to stay connected with family, to document memories, or to seek support from online communities. For some, it’s a way to feel seen and validated in the challenges of p...

  As a clinical psychologist and a mother of two young teenagers, the Netflix drama Adolescence was a hard watch. The British drama follows the story of Jamie Miller, a 13-year-old boy arrested for the murder of a classmate. Through this narrative the drama poignantly explores the psychological challenges faced by many young people today.   One of the central themes in Adolescence is shame. Unlike guilt—which is tied to specific actions (“I did something wrong”)—shame is much more complicated.   It’s the painful belief that something is fundamentally wrong (“I am wrong”). And for teenagers, who are already highly sensitive to how they are seen by others, shame can be especially destructive. During adolescence, young people become more self-conscious. Their brains are rapidly developing, especially in areas related to social awareness and emotional regulation. As a result, criticism, rejection, or even small failures can feel overwhelming. These experiences can ea...

  Have you ever noticed how, around the age of 11, many girls start making themselves smaller? They go from being loud, playful, cartwheeling kids to standing awkwardly, pulling their sleeves over their hands, lowering their heads, and trying to blend in rather than stand out. It is hard to watch but it is something we need to pay attention to. According to Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and author of Presence , our body language doesn’t just affect how others see us—it shapes how we see ourselves, too.   When we hold ourselves confidently, we are more likely to speak up, take risks and lean in to opportunities.   When our body language signals insecurity, we are more likely to hold back.   Cuddy talks about two types of body language: High-power postures – Open, expansive body language where we physically take up more space. Think of the classic “Wonder Woman” stance—standing tall with hands on hips. Low-power postures – Closed, hunched body ...

  I was speaking to a friend this week and she was talking about the focus on mental health and wellbeing in her daughter’s new school.   Like most parents she was pleased to see the school shift in this direction but she had also observed a change in her daughter’s choice of words.   Words like worry and sad were being replaced with words like stressed, anxious or depressed.    And while more sophisticated use of language is part of the normal developmental trajectory it got me wondering about how our young people are making sense of their feelings within this new world of embracing mental health.     Mood swings are a defining feature of adolescence.   During this period of development our kids will experience their emotions more intensely than any other time in their lives.   This happens because their brains are under construction – they are getting faster and more specialised, ultimately supporting our kids move into adulthood.   ...