As a clinical psychologist and a mother of two
young teenagers, the Netflix drama Adolescence was a hard watch. The
British drama follows the story of Jamie Miller, a 13-year-old boy arrested for
the murder of a classmate. Through this narrative the drama poignantly
explores the psychological challenges faced by many young people today.
One of the central themes in Adolescence
is shame.
Unlike guilt—which is tied to specific actions
(“I did something wrong”)—shame is much more complicated. It’s the painful belief that something is fundamentally
wrong (“I am wrong”). And for teenagers, who are already highly
sensitive to how they are seen by others, shame can be especially destructive.
During adolescence, young people become more
self-conscious. Their brains are rapidly developing, especially in areas
related to social awareness and emotional regulation. As a result, criticism,
rejection, or even small failures can feel overwhelming. These experiences can
easily trigger shame, especially if a teenager already feels different, left
out, or "not enough."
Brené Brown, a researcher who has written
extensively about shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or
experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and
belonging.” In Adolescence, we see this play out in heartbreaking
detail. Jamie feels like an outsider—not just at school, but also to some
extent in his own home. He experiences both social and sexual rejection, and
instead of seeing these as painful but temporary setbacks, he internalises them
as proof that he is broken.
What makes things worse is that Jamie can't talk about how he's feeling. He doesn’t ask for help—partly because he’s
absorbed the message that boys aren’t supposed to. Research shows that boys
learn how to handle emotions by watching the men in their lives. In Jamie’s
case, his father struggles with emotional expression. He is physically present
but emotionally distant. His reactions are often irritable or dismissive,
leaving Jamie without a clear example of how to handle difficult feelings in a
healthy way.
And here’s the thing about shame: hiding it
doesn’t make it go away. Shame grows in
the dark and shrinks in the light.
When teenagers feel like they don’t belong in
the real world, they often look elsewhere. Jamie finds connection online. While
digital spaces can offer a sense of belonging, they can also intensify feelings
of rejection and anger. Over time, these spaces can expose teens to toxic
ideas—ideas that, through repetition, start to seem normal or even appealing.
Jamie’s final act of violence is horrifying,
but it’s not random. It emerges from everything he’s been holding inside: the
belief that he’s invisible, unwanted, and unworthy. It’s not just about
ideology. It’s about loneliness. It’s about a lack of connection. It’s about
not having a safe space—or a safe person—to turn to.
As parents and caregivers, we don’t want to
protect our boys from every challenge. But we do want to be the safe place they
return to. Here are some practical ways to support our teenage boy’s emotional
growth:
1. Healthy Emotional Outlets
Boys often find it easier to express
themselves through activity rather than words. When we support their interests—sport,
music, gaming, or art— we are facilitating a way to process feelings and build
confidence.
2. Open Conversations
We want our teenage boys to feel heard and
accepted. Try to listen without jumping in to fix things. Sometimes (or most times) what they need
most is simply our presence.
3. Challenge Harmful Stereotypes
Being vulnerable or emotional isn’t a
weakness—it’s part of being human. Encouraging our teens to express all kinds
of feelings, not just the “tough” ones.
4. Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries
Our teenagers need (and want) boundaries. We can be compassionate and we can say no. It’s normal to feel anger or frustration, but
these emotions should be expressed respectfully and safely.
5. Modelling
Our sons learn to manage their feelings by
watching the men around them handle their feelings. If we want our boys to develop more skill,
especially around vulnerable emotions, it is the men in their lives who need to
be modelling this and showing them how it is done. They will listen to what we say but do what
we do.
6. Be present
When it comes to managing emotional distress, our
girls are more likely to discuss and our boys are more likely to distract. This is why our presence matters. Whether it’s cooking a meal, going for a
walk, or watching a film together, shared time builds trust and opens the door
to meaningful conversation.
In the end, what teenagers need most is to
know that they are seen, heard, and valued.
If we want to raise emotionally healthy sons, we need to be curious about their
inner world, open to their experiences, and willing to have the hard
conversations—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Because when boys feel safe to share their
shame and struggle, they no longer have to carry it alone.
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