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Why do we suddenly feel about 12 when we arrive home for Christmas

 



If we are lucky, we had pretty good childhoods — some messy bits, some lovely bits — and yet heading back to our family home can still bring up a lot of tricky feelings. We walk through the door, smell something familiar, hear the same old jokes, and suddenly we feel a bit different. A bit younger. A bit touchier. A bit more sensitive.

If that happens to you, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It’s simply how our brains work. When we return to places where we learned, grew, argued, and at least partially became who we are, our bodies remember the emotional atmosphere of those years. Psychologists call this “state-dependent memory,” and what it means is that certain rooms, voices, and routines wake up old emotional patterns — even if our adult lives feel stable and healthy.

Our families also have a way of nudging us back into our old roles without meaning to. Maybe we were the bossy one, or the peacemaker, or the “easy” child who didn’t make waves. We might not play those roles anywhere else now, but walking back into our childhood kitchen can make those habits switch on automatically.

From an Internal Family Systems perspective, we all have different “parts” inside us — like inner voices that formed when we were younger. When something in adult life reminds us of the past, those younger parts often react first.

Imagine we are home for Christmas, we are sitting at the kitchen table and our mum casually says, “Are you sure you want seconds?” Our adult self might know it’s probably harmless — but a younger part of us can still get stirred up. That younger part remembers a time when comments like that felt confusing or judgmental, so it jumps in to protect us. And then other parts step forward to help us manage it: maybe the one that laughs it off, or the one that changes the subject, or the one that gets irritated. These are old protective strategies our system learned long ago, showing up because the setting feels so familiar.

So, what helps….

The first and most powerful step is simply noticing what’s happening inside us. If we feel ourselves reacting more strongly than usual, we can say to ourselves, “Ah, something old is being stirred,” rather than, “Why am I like this?” This small shift makes a big difference because it helps us to bring our calm, grown-up presence back online.

It helps to pause before we step into family situations. Our parts are not very good at telling the time and often don’t realise that it is now 2025 not 1985.   Take a breath. Notice if any part of you is bracing or anticipating something. Gently remind yourself that you’re an adult now, with choices and support.

It will always be helpful to take small pockets of space when we need them — a short walk, a few minutes upstairs, some fresh air.  These are simple ways to keep our nervous system steady. And maybe bring something we like from our current life — a playlist, a candle, a favourite jumper — this can remind our body that we’re in not back in 1985. 

It’s normal for the holidays to bring up old feelings.  With a little awareness of why this is happening, we can hopefully enjoy the good moments and handle the tricky ones with a little more self-compassion.


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