Parenting: Competence as an Antidote to Anxiety

 

Anxiety is a normal healthy part of being human.  If we don’t feel anxious when there is an angry dog heading our way it is very possible that we will be attacked – we need anxiety to keep ourselves safe.   However, for many of our young people their anxiety shows up in situations that are primarily safe but often uncomfortable or embarrassing.  This might be starting a new school, reading out your English essay or going to your fist disco.   This happens because the part of our brain that is responsible for processing danger, a tiny little almond shaped structure called the amygdala, is not very good at knowing what is dangerous and what is not.  And when the amygdala is not sure it always errs on the side of caution and sounds the alarm. This means that our kids can feel super anxious in all sorts of situations even though we know (and they sometimes know) that nothing bad is gong to happen. 

It is helpful for our kids to understand the science behind their anxiety.  Knowledge is power and it allows them to make sense of what is happening to them.  BUT knowledge is not enough.  It is not enough because the brain learns by doing.

Imagine this scenario:  Your child is about to leave for football.  Their mind is showing up with all the things that might go wrong – they might miss a goal, they might get sent off, they might get injured by another player – and so the list goes on.  The amygdala is listening to this commentary and decides it is way too risky to go to the match.  It sounds the alarm and activates your child’s FFF response.  What you as a parent observe is your child getting more and more dysregulated, their breathing might change, they might start to shake, they cannot seem to hear anything you are saying and ultimately you all make the decision to stay at home.  Everyone feels relieved and the hyperarousal that your child is experiencing gradually dissipates. 

But what is your child’s brain learning through this process?  The amygdala now feels vindicated, it feels like it has averted a potential threat and it needs to record the incident in the memory log (The Hippocampus).   It will record something like this

The football match is full of potential threats, we stay safe in this situation by not going to the football match. 

Now fast forward to the following Thursday and it is football night again.  This time your child’s brain has a lived experience of surviving football training and it now believes that the way to stay safe is to not attend.  So, when you ask your child to go get ready the amygdala swings into action immediately.  It  activates the FFF response with all its might to make sure the football training does not happen because that is what kept their child safe the last time.

Ultimately when we facilitate avoidance of the things they are frightened of we are inadvertently strengthening their anxiety.  We are teaching the amygdala that the way to keep them safe is to avoid the situation.  When this happens repeatedly the amygdala becomes so frightened of letting them go into the situation that it activates more and more intense anxiety reactions. 

When we facilitate avoidance, we are ultimately allowing our kids feeling to dictate what is happening.  We are effectively handing over the reins to the anxiety and letting the anxiety decide what happens. 

Our job in these circumstances has three parts

1.        We need to validate our kids feeling.  We need to let them know that we see them and we get that this is difficult for them

2.       We need to let them know that we believe that they will be uncomfortable and we also believe they will be able to cope with the situation.  We are their mirrors and we need to reflect a confidence in their ability - not their ability to do something without anxiety but rather their ability to do something regardless of their anxiety

3.       We need to hold our boundaries and not allow the anxiety to dictate what is going to happen next 

When we hold robust boundaries, we are supporting our children to do the things that they are frightened of and we are allowing them the opportunity to build competence.  When our children have the experience of doing something they didn’t think they would be able to do this feels really good.  But not only that, their amygdala must now process a new entry into the memory system

The football match is full of potential threats but we went and nothing catastrophic happened, maybe the football is not so dangerous

Dr Becky Kennedy identifies competence as the antidote to anxiety.  She suggests that competence essentially comes from struggle.  You take something on, you feel anxious about it, but you see it through.  And while this may feel uncomfortable or even embarrassing, you survive it.    One of the things we need to remember is that when we are doing new things, particularly things that make us feel vulnerable, we are going to feel anxious.  This is part of being human.  If we protect our kids from these experiences because they feel anxious, we are literally depriving them of opportunities to develop an inner sense of competence.  And without an inner sense of competence anxiety will thrive. 

Going to the football training may continue to be uncomfortable but by putting our child into this situation over and over what we are doing is facilitating them to tolerate the uncomfortable feeling over and over again.  And it through this process that our kids develop the skills to tolerate uncomfortable feeling like anxiety.  We are not trying to eliminate the anxiety; we are supporting them to feel the anxiety and do it anyway.