This is What's Influencing our Teens

 

Have you ever looked at your teen’s phone and wondered how it is that everyone seems to be doing the same thing at the same time? The matching clothes. The shared slang. The sudden interest in a product or challenge that did not exist last week. What we are seeing is one of the most powerful forces shaping our teens’ behaviour: social norms.

Norms are the unspoken rules of a group — the invisible “this is how we do things” that our teens are constantly scanning for. They influence what our teen wears, who they spend time with and which trends they feel compelled to join, online and off. From a developmental perspective, this makes sense. The adolescent brain is built to notice social cues. Belonging is not just emotionally meaningful; it activates reward systems that are still under construction. For our teens, fitting in feels good. Being left out can feel genuinely painful.

Social media has amplified this natural sensitivity. Algorithms allow trends to spread at remarkable speed. A Tik Tok, a beauty product or a new hair style can become nearly unavoidable in a matter of hours. Our teens are not only watching; they are comparing themselves, often without fully realizing how much those comparisons are shaping their choices.

At home, this can feel bewildering. Our teen who once seemed indifferent to fashion suddenly needs a very specific pair of trainers. A teen who rarely worried about appearance becomes focused on body shape or food. The instinct, understandably, is often to intervene: to block the apps, ban the trends or insist on “real life” over online life.

But both research and clinical experience suggest that this approach rarely works. We already know our teens do not stop caring about norms because we tell them to. Lectures tend to increase resistance rather than reflection. Pressure applied from the outside often strengthens the pull of the group inside.

A more productive starting point is curiosity. Not “Why are you doing this?” but “Does this feel like you?” or “Are you joining in because you want to, or because everyone else is?” These questions will undoubtedly be met with an eye roll, or no answer at all. But that doesn’t matter, they still introduce something important: a pause. Even a moment of reflection can help our teens step back from automatic imitation and make a slightly more independent choice.

It also helps to name the pressure without criticizing it. “This trend is everywhere. I can see why it feels hard to ignore,” or “It looks exhausting to keep up with all of this.” When we acknowledge the strain rather than dismiss it, our teens are more likely to feel understood — and more willing to talk.

We will all see our teens copy trends or suddenly adopt behaviours that take us by surprise. Most of the time, this is harmless and temporary. But sometimes it is not. The darker side of norms can show up as abrupt changes in eating, intense pressure to alter one’s body or participation in risky behaviour for the sake of belonging. When fitting in begins to matter more than feeling well, it deserves attention.

In those moments, the goal is to stay steady and observant. We can describe what we see in simple terms — “I’ve noticed you’re eating differently,” or “This seems very important to your friends right now” — and then listen for what lies beneath. Questions that invite thought tend to work better than warnings: “What do you like about this?” “What’s the hard part?” These conversations do not eliminate social pressure, but they can slow it down enough for our teens to think rather than simply follow.

Sometimes, the changes become more rigid or harder for your teen to step away from. When that happens, it may be time to bring in extra support. Seeking professional help is just another way of helping our teens regain their balance when the pull of the group has begun to outweigh their own well-being.

Norms have always shaped adolescence. What is new is their reach and their speed. Our teens are growing up inside a social world that updates by the minute. We cannot pull them out of it, but we can stay close as they move through it. And sometimes, the most protective thing we do is not to stop the pull of the group, but to help our teen hear their own voice alongside it.