Promoting resilience and wellbeing

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Before You Post: What Every Parent Should Know About "Sharenting"

Have you ever heard of the term “sharenting”? It was first popularised in a 2010 article by The Wall Street Journal , and combines “sharing” and “parenting” to describe the growing trend of posting content about our kids online—mainly on social media. Over the past couple of years, I have spoken with several young people who were struggling with what their parents were sharing online. They felt embarrassed and frustrated that personal moments from their childhood and early adolescence were posted without their consent and this experience is not unique. Increasingly, young people are expressing discomfort with “sharenting,” and while it is usually well-intentioned, this practice raises important questions about privacy, autonomy, and emotional wellbeing. As parents, we share for a variety of reasons. Many of us post to stay connected with family, to document memories, or to seek support from online communities. For some, it’s a way to feel seen and validated in the challenges of p...

When Shame Takes Hold: Reflections on the Netflix Drama Adolescence

As a clinical psychologist and a mother of two young teenagers, the Netflix drama Adolescence was a hard watch. The British drama follows the story of Jamie Miller, a 13-year-old boy arrested for the murder of a classmate. Through this narrative the drama poignantly explores the psychological challenges faced by many young people today. One of the central themes in Adolescence is shame. Unlike guilt—which is tied to specific actions (“I did something wrong”)—shame is much more complicated. It’s the painful belief that something is fundamentally wrong (“I am wrong”). And for teenagers, who are already highly sensitive to how they are seen by others, shame can be especially destructive. During adolescence, young people become more self-conscious. Their brains are rapidly developing, especially in areas related to social awareness and emotional regulation. As a result, criticism, rejection, or even small failures can feel overwhelming. These experiences can ea...

Power Posing: Unlocking Confidence and Strength in Adolescent Girls

Have you ever noticed how, around the age of 11, many girls start making themselves smaller? They go from being loud, playful, cartwheeling kids to standing awkwardly, pulling their sleeves over their hands, lowering their heads, and trying to blend in rather than stand out. It is hard to watch but it is something we need to pay attention to. According to Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and author of Presence , our body language doesn’t just affect how others see us—it shapes how we see ourselves, too. When we hold ourselves confidently, we are more likely to speak up, take risks and lean in to opportunities. When our body language signals insecurity, we are more likely to hold back. Cuddy talks about two types of body language: High-power postures – Open, expansive body language where we physically take up more space. Think of the classic “Wonder Woman” stance—standing tall with hands on hips. Low-power postures – Closed, hunched body ...

Parenting: Our teenagers are supposed to have intense emotions

I was speaking to a friend this week and she was talking about the focus on mental health and wellbeing in her daughter’s new school. Like most parents she was pleased to see the school shift in this direction but she had also observed a change in her daughter’s choice of words. Words like worry and sad were being replaced with words like stressed, anxious or depressed. And while more sophisticated use of language is part of the normal developmental trajectory it got me wondering about how our young people are making sense of their feelings within this new world of embracing mental health. Mood swings are a defining feature of adolescence. During this period of development our kids will experience their emotions more intensely than any other time in their lives. This happens because their brains are under construction – they are getting faster and more specialised, ultimately supporting our kids move into adulthood. ...

Parenting: Moving our children from “BUT” to “AND”

Next week is children’s mental health week and the theme this year is “ Know yourself, grow yourself”. In our schools our children will be exploring the different parts of themselves – the kind part, the mean part, the lazy part, the super competitive part. They will be meeting their big feelings and learning that all our emotions have a place and a job and it is important to make room for every single one. The tide has finally started to change and we are now beginning to support our young people to shift themselves from a “BUT” to an “AND” From “I would like to go to the party BUT I am feeling anxious about going” to “I would like to go to the party AND I am feeling anxious about going” This may appear to be a benign change but within these small words lies so much agency both for ourselves and for our children. Within this context imagine your child has been invited to a playdate. They are super excited and they are super anxious. Their mind ...

Parenting: How we build confident kids

Confidence is something we all aspire to. The confidence to speak our mind, the confidence to take the risk, the confidence to trust our instinct. But what exactly is confidence? According to Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist, confidence is self-trust. Confidence is the ability to trust ourselves, trust our instincts, trust that we are making the right decisions. When we don’t understand something to trust that that is OK and put our hand up, when something doesn’t feel right to trust our instinct and take the relevant action. This is what we want for ourselves and this is what we want for our children. But how do we get there and how do we support our children to get there. We start with small moments. When our child comes homes from school in tears and explains to us that they feel sad because they were picked last for the football team what is our default - to immediately make them feel better. ...

Parenting: Competence as an Antidote to Anxiety

Anxiety is a normal healthy part of being human. If we don’t feel anxious when there is an angry dog heading our way it is very possible that we will be attacked – we need anxiety to keep ourselves safe. However, for many of our young people their anxiety shows up in situations that are primarily safe but often uncomfortable or embarrassing. This might be starting a new school, reading out your English essay or going to your fist disco. This happens because the part of our brain that is responsible for processing danger, a tiny little almond shaped structure called the amygdala, is not very good at knowing what is dangerous and what is not. And when the amygdala is not sure it always errs on the side of caution and sounds the alarm. This means that our kids can feel super anxious in all sorts of situations even though we know (and they sometimes know) that nothing bad is gong to happen. It is helpful for our kids to under...

Parenting: Why normalising can protect our children from future shame

Much of what we feel comfortable talking about stems from our home environment. What was allowed and what wasn’t. Parts of our bodies smell bad sometimes, it is normal and part of being human. But what if, when we start to talk about the weird smell, we immediately get shut down “no more of that talk please” or “that’s private and not something you share.” Many of these comments are made from a place of good intention, we want our children to follow the social norms of whatever culture we live in. But when our children voice valid experiences and these valid experiences are hushed up or ignored this creates feelings of shame and isolation. If our body smells bad and we can’t talk about it we have no way of knowing that everyone’s body smells bad from time to time. If on the other hand we take a normalisation approach and say something like “tell me a bit more about it, my body sometimes smells bad too” …. This normalisation m...

SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD TO SAY NO

We all know someone, or maybe we are someone, who always says yes. Is anyone available to do the extra shift – yes, is anyone able to lend me money – yes, is anyone able to do my French homework – yes. Saying yes is good, in fact saying yes often creates opportunities and experiences that we otherwise might not have. Saying yes can also leave us feeling exhausted and resentful especially if we feel we don’t have much choice about what we say. The term psychologists use to describe someone who really struggles to disappoint other people is people pleasing. Being a people pleaser makes lots of sense, you feel good for helping, other people like you because you are always willing to help and you will be labelled reliable, good team player, always willing. These labels are attractive, they make us feel good and make us valuable to other people, reducing the risk of being pushed out of the group. So, what is the catch? Choice. Feeling like w...

Being on our own team : Self-talk matters

Imagine this scenario: You are walking along the corridor at work and you accidentally drop your bag and everything spills out all over the floor. Some people laugh, some people ignore you, some people stop and help you. We’ve all been there one way or another. We spill coffee on our white shirt just before an interview, we fail our driving test because we forget to check our mirrors, we try to make a joke and nobody laughs. This is part of being human. We all get things wrong and we all experience situations that don’t feel great. So, what happens after you drop your bag? How do you show up for yourself? If you are like the majority of humans, you have probably been pretty unkind to yourself in those moment – “you absolute loser, why can’t you just walk down the corridor without doing something stupid” or “why can everyone else mange to get to their desk without dropping their bag, I’m so clumsy” or any version o...

Parenting: Is there a right way?

A few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation in a coffee shop. It was between two mothers in their mid-thirties. They were speaking about another mother at their school and her approach to parenting. They recognised the warmth and love she felt for her children but were flabbergasted at her laissez-faire attitude to structure and boundaries. Essentially, they were describing what psychologists call permissive parenting. Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, who identified the three styles of parenting in the 1960’s, defines permissive parents as “more responsive than they are demanding. They are non-traditional and lenient, allow considerable self-regulation, and do not require mature behaviour”. Now a days permissive parenting is generally identified by low demands and a high level of responsiveness. Parents who are incredibly loving and available for their children… who do not place many limits on their children’s be...