Promoting resilience and wellbeing

  Anxiety is a normal healthy part of being human.   If we don’t feel anxious when there is an angry dog heading our way it is very possible that we will be attacked – we need anxiety to keep ourselves safe.    However, for many of our young people their anxiety shows up in situations that are primarily safe but often uncomfortable or embarrassing.   This might be starting a new school, reading out your English essay or going to your fist disco.     This happens because the part of our brain that is responsible for processing danger, a tiny little almond shaped structure called the amygdala, is not very good at knowing what is dangerous and what is not.   And when the amygdala is not sure it always errs on the side of caution and sounds the alarm. This means that our kids can feel super anxious in all sorts of situations even though we know (and they sometimes know) that nothing bad is gong to happen.   It is helpful for our kids to under...

  Much of what we feel comfortable talking about stems from our home environment.   What was allowed and what wasn’t.    Parts of our bodies smell bad sometimes, it is normal and part of being human.   But what if, when we start to talk about the weird smell, we immediately get shut down “no more of that talk please” or “that’s private and not something you share.”   Many of these comments are made from a place of good intention, we want our children to follow the social norms of whatever culture we live in.   But when our children voice valid experiences and these valid experiences are hushed up or ignored this creates feelings of shame and isolation.   If our body smells bad and we can’t talk about it we have no way of knowing that everyone’s body smells bad from time to time.   If on the other hand we take a normalisation approach and say something like “tell me a bit more about it, my body sometimes smells bad too” …. This normalisation m...

We all know someone, or maybe we are someone, who always says yes.   Is anyone available to do the extra shift – yes, is anyone able to lend me money – yes, is anyone able to do my French homework – yes.   Saying yes is good, in fact saying yes often creates opportunities and experiences that we otherwise might not have.   Saying yes can also leave us feeling exhausted and resentful especially if we feel we don’t have much choice about what we say.   The term psychologists use to describe someone who really struggles to disappoint other people is people pleasing.  Being a people pleaser makes lots of sense, you feel good for helping, other people like you because you are always willing to help and you will be labelled reliable, good team player, always willing.  These labels are attractive, they make us feel good and make us valuable to other people, reducing the risk of being pushed out of the group. So, what is the catch? Choice.   Feeling like w...

          Imagine this scenario: You are walking along the corridor at work and you accidentally drop your bag and everything spills out all over the floor.   Some people laugh, some people ignore you, some people stop and help you.   We’ve all been there one way or another.   We spill coffee on our white shirt just before an interview, we fail our driving test because we forget to check our mirrors, we try to make a joke and nobody laughs.   This is part of being human. We all get things wrong and we all experience situations that don’t feel great. So, what happens after you drop your bag? How do you show up for yourself?   If you are like the majority of humans, you have probably been pretty unkind to yourself in those moment – “you absolute loser, why can’t you just walk down the corridor without doing something stupid” or “why can everyone else mange to get to their desk without dropping their bag, I’m so clumsy” or any version o...

  A few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation in a coffee shop.   It was between two mothers in their mid-thirties.   They were speaking about another mother at their school and her approach to parenting.   They recognised the warmth and love she felt for her children but were flabbergasted at her laissez-faire attitude to structure and boundaries.   Essentially, they were describing what psychologists call permissive parenting.   Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, who identified the three styles of parenting in the 1960’s, defines permissive parents as “more responsive than they are demanding.   They are non-traditional and lenient, allow considerable self-regulation, and do not require mature behaviour”. Now a days permissive parenting is generally identified by low demands and a high level of responsiveness.   Parents who are incredibly loving and available for their children… who do not place many limits on their children’s be...

  You have gone away with the kids for a weekend by the sea.   You have some lovely moments – running in the rain on the beach, cycling through a meadow of wild flowers, fish and chips on the pier…. gorgeous and exactly what you were hoping the weekend might bring.   The weekend also brings some very bumpy moments, the flamed tempers over who had the last strawberry, the chain breaking on one of the bikes, the merciless teasing that only siblings can engage in.   In most families these moments are inevitable but while we all acknowledge this inevitability it is often these moments that define the weekend.   Leaving us feeling sad and deflated. If we think about our kids from a developmental perspective there are so many moments when it is healthy and developmentally appropriate for them to push boundaries and make their own choices.   When we see a two-year-old defiantly walking over to see the ducks after being told not to that is developmentally appropr...

  Many of us use the terms guilt and shame interchangeably.   We talk about feeling shameful and guilty about something difficult that has happened.     But shame researchers, including Brene Brown, believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt.   Guilt “I did something wrong” Shame “I am wrong” In these two statements there is a subtle difference in language and labelling. But this difference carries a monumental weight.      Guilt is our friend.   Guilt makes us feel uncomfortable about something we have done and this discomfort pushes us to address the situation – going back to the shop with the item we forgot to pay for, saying sorry for being mean, allowing someone else to choose this time.   Feeling bad when we do something wrong might not feel great but it is important.   Otherwise, where would we find the motivation and drive to do better next time or repair the situation this time.   Sha...

    This is the 4 th time I have tried to start this blog.   I have been distracted by the washing up, texting my mum, scrolling on Instagram…… and so the list goes on.   The definition of procrastination is “unnecessarily and voluntarily putting off tasks despite the consequences.”   The potential consequence in my case is not posting my blog on time which is something that is important to me.   So why does this happen.   I enjoy researching, I enjoy writing and I enjoy the satisfaction I feel when I finally get to post what I have written.   It’s a curiosity.   For many years we believed that procrastination was all about time management and this seemed to make sense.   We often think we have more time than we have, which means we often understand procrastination in the context of time management. Why do something now when we have time to do it later. But what we are now beginning to understand about procrastination is that it...

Have you ever had the experience of feeling like you do not matter? The feeling of not being valued in your team at work, the feeling that your friends don’t really notice you, the feeling that you have nothing of value to add to the project meeting.  I have and it doesn’t feel great. Mattering is a core human need, a fundamental component of human flourishing.  Gordon Flett, a professor at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering” defines mattering as “more than just a feeling that you belong in a group, but also feeling like the group will miss you if you are not there.”  This might be your family group, your friendship group, your work group.  The research from Isaac Prilleltensky suggests that to matter means experiencing two similar, but separate, things.  Firstly, we need to feel valued , we feel valued when we feel seen and appreciated by other people. Secondly, we need to feel like we are adding value , adding value allows us to fee...

  I was listening to podcast yesterday with Dr Becky Kennedy, the author of Good Inside, and she said this “Anger is a sign that we have preserved access to our self-worth.”   When we have a high level of self-worth and we do not have access to the things we need we feel angry.   She talked about having a “healthy entitlement” to what you want and need which is intimately connected to feeling worthy. Psychologists often consider anger to be a secondary emotion.   Anger is often what we see when people are feeling any number of other emotions – shame, humiliation, grief.   Anger is often easier to express than shame or humiliation.   It is often easier to say “I’m so livid about what happen” than “I feel really ashamed about what happened”.   Brene Brown in her beautiful book Atlas of the Heart suggests that as many as 20 of the 87 emotions she identifies in the book are likely to present as anger.   How we manage our emotions is influenced b...