We all know someone, or maybe we are someone, who always says yes. Is anyone available to do the extra shift – yes, is anyone able to lend me money – yes, is anyone able to do my French homework – yes. Saying yes is good, in fact saying yes often creates opportunities and experiences that we otherwise might not have. Saying yes can also leave us feeling exhausted and resentful especially if we feel we don’t have much choice about what we say.
The term psychologists use to
describe someone who really struggles to disappoint other people is people
pleasing. Being a people pleaser makes
lots of sense, you feel good for helping, other people like you because you are
always willing to help and you will be labelled reliable, good team player,
always willing. These labels are
attractive, they make us feel good and make us valuable to other people,
reducing the risk of being pushed out of the group.
So, what is the catch? Choice. Feeling like we have a choice to say yes or
say no. People pleasers don’t feel like
they have a choice, and behind their willingness to ALWAYS say yes are many
other big feelings. The usual suspects
are worry about saying no and high levels of resentment because they haven’t
been able to say no.
Often, we prioritise the needs of
others because we are scared that if we don’t do this we will be rejected by
that person, or that group, or that organisation. Sometimes
we do this because of experiences we had in childhood. Maybe the only way we could stay in our
carers good graces was to please them, like the things they liked, always agree
with them …. Psychologists called this fawning and it is forth F in our FFF
response. Sometimes this happens because
this is what was modelled by our parents, our mum baked 58 flapjacks for the
PTFA even when she was feeling utterly exhausted. Sometimes we do this because we really
struggle to be alone and the way we keep people close is by meeting their needs
to the detriment of our own.
Signs you might be a people
pleaser
·
You give much more than you receive in your
relationships
·
You find it hard to tell what you are feeling or
what you would like to do because you are so used to taking your cues from
other people
·
It feels almost impossible to say no
How we can begin to change our
people pleasing tendencies….
Building Awareness
To change something, you first must
notice that it is happening. Are you
continually saying yes even when you feel like saying no? Do you feel like you have very little choice
about how you respond to a request? Do
you often feel resentful after you have said yes to something you did not want
to do? Does it feel scary to say no?
Boundaries
It is important to establish
clear boundaries if we want to change our people pleasing tendencies. It is also important that we can communicate our
boundaries to other people. This might
sound something like “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do the extra shift tonight” or
“I don’t have time today, please ask me another time.”
Small steps
Setting boundaries can feel scary
in the beginning. We worry about how the
people around us will respond and this worry can make taking the first step difficult. For most people it is easier to start
small. This might look like giving our
opinion on where we have dinner that night or it might be asking for help with
our English essay. Once we get confident
with the small stuff it is easier to move on to harder things, like saying no
to that extra shift at work.
Know what matters to you
When we have a better
understanding of what is important to us, the people who are important, the
activities that are important… it is much easier to know what we want to say
yes to and what we want to say no to.
It is not going to feel great
in the beginning
When we first start saying no it
can feel difficult. We can feel guilty
about letting people down, we can feel scared that we will be rejected by our
peer group or team at work. Our mind
might show up with things like “I am really selfish”/” they are not going to
like me anymore”/” I will have no friends.”
It is important that we remember that these are just ideas not facts and
we can choose how we respond to them. It is often helpful to pause and
deliberately practice positive self- talk “I deserve to look after my own needs
too.”
Finally …
Moving away from being a people
pleaser does not mean moving away from kindness and consideration. It means allowing ourselves to have a choice. Every single time we manage to hold a boundary,
no matter how small, we are allowing ourselves to matter. The most likely thing to show up in these
circumstances is guilt, this feeling will stay for a little while and then it
will pass and you will have taken the first small step towards the person you
wish to become.
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