SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD TO SAY NO

We all know someone, or maybe we are someone, who always says yes.  Is anyone available to do the extra shift – yes, is anyone able to lend me money – yes, is anyone able to do my French homework – yes.  Saying yes is good, in fact saying yes often creates opportunities and experiences that we otherwise might not have.  Saying yes can also leave us feeling exhausted and resentful especially if we feel we don’t have much choice about what we say.  

The term psychologists use to describe someone who really struggles to disappoint other people is people pleasing.  Being a people pleaser makes lots of sense, you feel good for helping, other people like you because you are always willing to help and you will be labelled reliable, good team player, always willing.  These labels are attractive, they make us feel good and make us valuable to other people, reducing the risk of being pushed out of the group.

So, what is the catch? Choice.  Feeling like we have a choice to say yes or say no.  People pleasers don’t feel like they have a choice, and behind their willingness to ALWAYS say yes are many other big feelings.  The usual suspects are worry about saying no and high levels of resentment because they haven’t been able to say no. 

Often, we prioritise the needs of others because we are scared that if we don’t do this we will be rejected by that person, or that group, or that organisation.   Sometimes we do this because of experiences we had in childhood.  Maybe the only way we could stay in our carers good graces was to please them, like the things they liked, always agree with them …. Psychologists called this fawning and it is forth F in our FFF response.  Sometimes this happens because this is what was modelled by our parents, our mum baked 58 flapjacks for the PTFA even when she was feeling utterly exhausted.  Sometimes we do this because we really struggle to be alone and the way we keep people close is by meeting their needs to the detriment of our own.

Signs you might be a people pleaser

·       You give much more than you receive in your relationships

·       You find it hard to tell what you are feeling or what you would like to do because you are so used to taking your cues from other people

·       It feels almost impossible to say no

 

How we can begin to change our people pleasing tendencies….

Building Awareness

To change something, you first must notice that it is happening.  Are you continually saying yes even when you feel like saying no?  Do you feel like you have very little choice about how you respond to a request?  Do you often feel resentful after you have said yes to something you did not want to do? Does it feel scary to say no?

Boundaries

It is important to establish clear boundaries if we want to change our people pleasing tendencies.  It is also important that we can communicate our boundaries to other people.  This might sound something like “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do the extra shift tonight” or “I don’t have time today, please ask me another time.”   

 

Small steps

Setting boundaries can feel scary in the beginning.  We worry about how the people around us will respond and this worry can make taking the first step difficult.  For most people it is easier to start small.  This might look like giving our opinion on where we have dinner that night or it might be asking for help with our English essay.  Once we get confident with the small stuff it is easier to move on to harder things, like saying no to that extra shift at work. 

Know what matters to you

When we have a better understanding of what is important to us, the people who are important, the activities that are important… it is much easier to know what we want to say yes to and what we want to say no to. 

It is not going to feel great in the beginning

When we first start saying no it can feel difficult.  We can feel guilty about letting people down, we can feel scared that we will be rejected by our peer group or team at work.  Our mind might show up with things like “I am really selfish”/” they are not going to like me anymore”/” I will have no friends.”  It is important that we remember that these are just ideas not facts and we can choose how we respond to them. It is often helpful to pause and deliberately practice positive self- talk “I deserve to look after my own needs too.”

Finally …

Moving away from being a people pleaser does not mean moving away from kindness and consideration.  It means allowing ourselves to have a choice.  Every single time we manage to hold a boundary, no matter how small, we are allowing ourselves to matter.  The most likely thing to show up in these circumstances is guilt, this feeling will stay for a little while and then it will pass and you will have taken the first small step towards the person you wish to become.