Being on our own team : Self-talk matters

 

    

Imagine this scenario: You are walking along the corridor at work and you accidentally drop your bag and everything spills out all over the floor.  Some people laugh, some people ignore you, some people stop and help you.  We’ve all been there one way or another.  We spill coffee on our white shirt just before an interview, we fail our driving test because we forget to check our mirrors, we try to make a joke and nobody laughs.  This is part of being human. We all get things wrong and we all experience situations that don’t feel great.

So, what happens after you drop your bag? How do you show up for yourself?  If you are like the majority of humans, you have probably been pretty unkind to yourself in those moment – “you absolute loser, why can’t you just walk down the corridor without doing something stupid” or “why can everyone else mange to get to their desk without dropping their bag, I’m so clumsy” or any version of the above.  And right now, you might be thinking “so what, nobody can hear what I am saying to myself”, and you are right nobody can hear you, EXCEPT you can hear you.

How we speak to ourselves really matters…

From time to time, we all experience unsupportive comments from other people, this is part of life and not something we have very much control over.  But when these comments are coming from inside our own head, on a regular basis, the impact is significant.   

Psychologists call this self-talk.  Self-talk is what we say to ourselves, mostly in our head, as we are going about our daily activities…. trying to do a difficult climb, navigate a new job, answer a tricky maths question, finding the courage to ask someone out.   

How we talk to ourselves in these moments matters for so many reasons:

·       It has the power to make us feel better or worse in the moment

·       It has the power in increase or decrease how motivated we feel

·       It has the power to increase or decrease how anxious we are feeling

And over time it has the power to influence the way we think about ourselves as a person, how capable we are, how kind we are, how hard working we are…. So, it’s a pretty powerful resource that is definitely worth paying attention to.

Firstly, we need to recognise our own self talk.  This should be relatively easy because, according to the research, the majority of us engage in self-talk for at least a quarter of our day.  Once we develop awareness, we need to pay attention to what we are saying – are we using labels to describe ourselves, are we generally being supportive or self-critical, how does it feel in our body when we speak to ourselves that way.  This will help us to recognise whether our self-talk is boosting us up or pulling us down.

Once we have an awareness, there are a number of helpful strategies we can use to create a different narrative and generate more balance in how we show up for ourselves.   

Thought challenging.  Did you know that our mind shows up with lots of ideas and not very many facts.  Learning to challenge the thoughts we experience can be really helpful. We can start by asking ourselves “is this true, or are there other ways I can think about it”.  Sometimes our minds get caught up in thinking traps, like always thinking the worst is going to happen or taking everything personally.  Spotting these thinking traps can be a very helpful way to start challenging negative self-talk.  

Thought stopping.  Sometimes it feels too exhausting to challenge the thought and it can be helpful to just stop the thought temporarily in its track.  When we notice ourselves saying something negative picture an image of a stop sign, maybe the red and white stop sign we often see on the road, and firmly say “STOP” - out loud if we are able to.

Good friend.  One of the most powerful ways to develop more positive self-talk is to imagine what we would say to a friend who was struggling.  Take a moment and think about a friend who bombed an interview, how would we support them?  By telling them they are a complete loser who will never get a job or by reminding them that it is only their first interview and we all make mistakes. I would guess the latter.  By offering ourselves the same kindness we readily show to others we almost automatically speak to ourselves in a much more compassionate way.

Positive affirmations: Affirmations are statements that we say to ourselves to increase our confidence and make ourselves feel better.  They can feel a bit silly but actually there is some pretty good science behind them. We know that our brain is changing all the time depending what we are doing, what we are listening to, how we are talking to ourselves.  If we deliberately pause and practice talking to ourselves in a positive supportive way our brain will have no choice but to get better at being positive in tricky situations.  We are actively replacing “I am such a loser” with “Everybody makes mistakes, this doesn’t feel great but I will be OK”.  It’s important the affirmations we choose are very specific to us and our situation but may sound something like “Everybody makes mistakes this is the way you learn”, “This moment will pass and I will be OK” or “I am here, I am enough”.

Positive self-talk is not magic but it is important.  We are going to walk alongside ourselves every single day of our lives.  If we use this walk to criticise, belittle and discourage ourselves these messages will eventually be internalised and become part of our identity.  Catch your self-talk in small moments and deliberately practise whatever idea resonates with you the most.  Over time this deliberate practice will create new neural pathways in your brain and one day you may be surprised to hear your own encouragement.  

Now imagine this scenario: You are trying to climb a very steep mountain.  It’s gravelly and difficult to navigate.  Who would you like climbing it alongside you? Someone who taunts you every time you stumble on the difficult terrain … “you are so weak anyone else would be strolling up here”.  Or someone who gives you a hand up when you stumble and encourages you to keep going … “don’t worry this is a really tough part of the climb, you are making good progress”. I know which one I would choose.