You know the way the whole house changes in
the run-up to exams. They're stressed, we're stressed, and most of us start
saying things we wouldn't say at any other time of year. Things like this is
the one that matters and if you don't do well now you'll regret it.
We mean well. We're trying to motivate them,
or sometimes we're just worried and it comes out as pressure. But there's a
fairly large body of research now telling us that this kind of talk, which
researchers call fear appeals, actually makes things worse for the
teenagers who are already anxious. It bumps up the worry, gets in the way of
their concentration in the exam itself, and is associated with lower grades,
not higher ones.
So before we get to what we can do, it's worth
starting with what's not helping. Because most of us are doing one or two of
these without realising.
Why anxious
thoughts make exams harder
We all know our teens have to remember a lot
for exams. French verbs, equations, quotes, dates, the lot. What's less obvious
is that the part of the brain that pulls all of that information back out under
pressure has very limited capacity. Researchers call it working memory. It's
the mental workspace they're using when they're sitting there trying to hold
three steps of a maths problem in their head while they work on the fourth.
And anxious thoughts (I'm going to fail, I
haven't done enough, my parents will be devastated) sit in the exact same
workspace and crowd everything else out.
This is one of the most replicated findings in
the test anxiety research. Anxious teens often perform below what they actually
know. It's not that they don't know the stuff. It's that the worry has taken up
the room they needed to retrieve it.
Which means a lot of what we think of as
"being supportive", the constant how's revision going? have you
done your maths today? have you looked at the timetable?, can actually be
adding to a system that's already full. It's hard to ease off, because we worry
that if we don't keep reminding them, they'll slip. But part of our job here is
holding that uncertainty ourselves, rather than passing it on to them.
Two things
to ease off on
Fear-based motivation. If you
don't get the grades, you won't get the sixth form place. Most teenagers
already know what's at stake. The ones most likely to be on the receiving end
of this kind of message are often the ones who look like they don't care, the
ones not revising, brushing it off, doing anything but opening a book. What
looks like not caring is often the opposite. They care a lot, and they're
already overwhelmed, and shutting down is what their brain has done to cope. A
fear appeal lands on top of that and tips them further in, not out.
What helps more is being honest with them. I
can see you're done with all of this. It's a lot to be carrying right now.
We don't have to fix it or talk them out of it. When a teenager feels seen and
heard, this is what actually reduces their hyperarousal. The worry doesn't
disappear, but they have a little bit more access to that thinking part of
their brain.
Constant checking. Asking how
revision is going every time we walk past their bedroom door doesn't make them
revise more. It tends to make them either lie to us or shut down. Once we've
agreed a rough plan, the most useful thing we can often do is step back and let
them get on with it. We can be around without hovering. Make the dinner. Be in
the kitchen. Drive them somewhere.
Manage our
own anxiety first
This is the one that does the most work, and
it's the one we tend to skip. Because in our heads, we're not the one with the
problem. They are.
But teenagers, even big ones who can drive and
roll their eyes at us, are still wired to read our faces and our tone. There's
a whole research literature on what's called emotional contagion, the
way we pick up emotional states from the people around us, often without
realising. And this is the bit that really matters: their nervous system reads
our system and then matches it.
So, when we're walking around worried, they
feel it. They might not say anything, but they feel it. And it tells their
brain that there's definitely something to worry about.
The flip is also true. When we're alright, not
pretending to be alright but actually managing ourselves, that tells them
something too. It tells them this is hard but not catastrophic, and that we're
going to get through it.
This doesn't mean putting on a show. Teenagers
can spot a fake calm a mile off. It means talking to a friend who isn't going
to wind us up. Going for a walk. Getting our own sleep. Keeping our own
perspective. If we're catastrophising about their results, we need a friend or
a partner to talk to. We don't need to share it with them.
If we can only do one thing on this list, do
this one.
A few other
things that help
Be flexible on the small stuff, firm on the
big stuff. Yes to the takeaway, the lift to the library,
the late breakfast. But there's a trap worth knowing about. When our teenagers
are anxious, every parental instinct says take it away, make it easier.
And in the moment, that definitely helps. The trouble is that the small daily
avoidances, not opening the textbook today because they feel sick about it,
skipping the mock because they're too nervous, not looking at the timetable
because it makes them panic, feel like relief and then make the worry stronger
next time. Each one teaches the brain that the only way to cope is to dodge. So
as a rule of thumb: flexible on the comforts, gently firm on the showing up.
Going to the mock matters more than how the mock goes.
Have a routine for the night before and the
morning of. Bag packed. Clothes out. A known breakfast
they can actually eat. Stop revising at a set time. Predictability settles the
body down on exam morning more than one more hour with the textbook.
Agree what happens after. Decide in
advance what we do when they come out of an exam thinking it went badly. No
going through what they got wrong in the car. Maybe something to eat, or a walk
if they're up for it. Not to talk about it. Then attention turns to the next
paper. Picking over a paper they can't change is one of the fastest ways to
wreck the next one.
Keep a bit of normal life going. Not a big
night out the day before a paper. But seeing a friend, going for a walk,
watching something rubbish on the telly together. The brain doesn't actually
consolidate what they've revised while they're still revising. It does it
during the breaks. So switched-off time isn't lost revision, it's part of how
the revision sticks.
What we're
really doing
Our job here is more limited than it feels.
We're not the one sitting the exam. We can't revise for them and we can't make
them care. What we can do is keep the house calm, keep ourselves calm, talk
about effort more than outcomes, and be the people they come back to when it's
done. Whatever the result.
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