Skip to main content

The E in PERMA. Why engagement matters.


 


Are any of these statements familiar to you?

“I used to love ...... but I just don’t have time anymore”

“I really enjoyed…... but then we had children”

“I used to spend hours doing ……. I can’t remember why I stopped”

These statements are very familiar to me but interestingly not very familiar for my children.  Our children are innately good at finding what psychologists call ‘FLOW’.  This elusive state of engagement where our sense of time fades away and we are totally absorbed in whatever we are doing. 

Susan Perry, a sociologist defines flow as “the word most often used to describe the state of mind that occurs when we are so deeply engaged in some activity that time seems to stop”, to embody this state we need to feel challenged enough but not so challenged that we experience frustration and ultimately want to stop.  It is essentially the sweet spot between too easy and too difficult.   

With children you can observe this phenomenon everyday: when they create Lego structures, make up stories with their doll figures, build complicated dens in the garden.  Sadly, as we get older and our attention gets pulled in all sorts of directions – checking our phones multiple times an hour, trying to do five things at once, constant interruptions from our children - our ability to experience the flow state greatly decreases.  And this matters in terms of our overall wellbeing.  As Adam Grant reported “in the early days of the pandemic the best predictor of wellbeing wasn’t optimism or mindfulness it was flow – people who were more immersed in their projects managed to avoid languishing and maintain their pre-pandemic happiness level”.

Why is flow so beneficial?

Well first of all it feels good, many people describe it as being in the zone.  Maybe it’s trying to catch a wave, or work out a difficult maths problem or maybe it’s creating a paper mache model. When we experience flow, we are in a state of intense concentration and we put aside the normal hustle and bustle of life. It the opposite of jumping from one task to another or one thought to another which is how many of us spend our day outside of flow.  

How do we achieve it?

At the simplest level you need to engage in some kind of activity - but not any old activity.  The activity needs to be carefully chosen and include the following elements

1.       It’s something that you are already interested in

2.       It’s challenging but not so challenging that it creates high levels of frustration and puts you off

3.       When you engage in the activity, you feel absorbed by what you are doing and lose track of time

Sounds simple and it is simple but it’s also very easy to get side tracked.  In the world we live in today our attention is pulled in so many different directions that achieving that sweet spot of flow can be challenging.

Christine Carter, a sociologist from the States shares some helpful ideas

1.       Clear mental clutter.  Make a list of things we need to do that day and deliberately assign a time to each of these tasks.  By doing this we reduce the intrusive reminders about all the things we need to get done that day making the flow state more likely to be sustained

2.       No focus – No flow.  If we have any chance of getting into a flow state we need to reduce or eliminate interruptions. This means we need to set boundaries.  Anything that might distract us.  For most of us this probably means putting our phones in another room, turning off our email alerts, and if we have children making sure they are settled and happy before we drop into “the zone”😊  

     Finally focus on a small goal – pick something small that matters to you and carve out some daily time to focus on this challenge.  By initially committing to a small step, you are much more likely to follow through and once you rediscover the absorption and energy that the flow state can offer know that you are nudging yourself a little bit closer to flourishing.  

      The next blog will focus on the R in PERMA. Why relationships matter. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Parenting: Our teenagers are supposed to have intense emotions

  I was speaking to a friend this week and she was talking about the focus on mental health and wellbeing in her daughter’s new school.   Like most parents she was pleased to see the school shift in this direction but she had also observed a change in her daughter’s choice of words.   Words like worry and sad were being replaced with words like stressed, anxious or depressed.    And while more sophisticated use of language is part of the normal developmental trajectory it got me wondering about how our young people are making sense of their feelings within this new world of embracing mental health.     Mood swings are a defining feature of adolescence.   During this period of development our kids will experience their emotions more intensely than any other time in their lives.   This happens because their brains are under construction – they are getting faster and more specialised, ultimately supporting our kids move into adulthood.   ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Parenting: Moving our children from “BUT” to “AND”

Next week is children’s mental health week and the theme this year is “ Know yourself, grow yourself”.  In our schools our children will be exploring the different parts of themselves – the kind part, the mean part, the lazy part, the super competitive part.  They will be meeting their big feelings and learning that all our emotions have a place and a job and it is important to make room for every single one.  The tide has finally started to change and we are now beginning to support our young people to shift themselves from a “BUT” to an “AND” From “I would like to go to the party BUT I am feeling anxious about going” to  “I would like to go to the party AND I am feeling anxious about going” This may appear to be a benign change but within these small words lies so much agency both for ourselves and for our children.  Within this context imagine your child has been invited to a playdate.  They are super excited and they are super anxious.  Their mind ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Parenting: Why normalising can protect our children from future shame

  Much of what we feel comfortable talking about stems from our home environment.   What was allowed and what wasn’t.    Parts of our bodies smell bad sometimes, it is normal and part of being human.   But what if, when we start to talk about the weird smell, we immediately get shut down “no more of that talk please” or “that’s private and not something you share.”   Many of these comments are made from a place of good intention, we want our children to follow the social norms of whatever culture we live in.   But when our children voice valid experiences and these valid experiences are hushed up or ignored this creates feelings of shame and isolation.   If our body smells bad and we can’t talk about it we have no way of knowing that everyone’s body smells bad from time to time.   If on the other hand we take a normalisation approach and say something like “tell me a bit more about it, my body sometimes smells bad too” …. This normalisation m...
Post a Comment
Read more