Skip to main content

The E in PERMA. Why engagement matters.


 


Are any of these statements familiar to you?

“I used to love ...... but I just don’t have time anymore”

“I really enjoyed…... but then we had children”

“I used to spend hours doing ……. I can’t remember why I stopped”

These statements are very familiar to me but interestingly not very familiar for my children.  Our children are innately good at finding what psychologists call ‘FLOW’.  This elusive state of engagement where our sense of time fades away and we are totally absorbed in whatever we are doing. 

Susan Perry, a sociologist defines flow as “the word most often used to describe the state of mind that occurs when we are so deeply engaged in some activity that time seems to stop”, to embody this state we need to feel challenged enough but not so challenged that we experience frustration and ultimately want to stop.  It is essentially the sweet spot between too easy and too difficult.   

With children you can observe this phenomenon everyday: when they create Lego structures, make up stories with their doll figures, build complicated dens in the garden.  Sadly, as we get older and our attention gets pulled in all sorts of directions – checking our phones multiple times an hour, trying to do five things at once, constant interruptions from our children - our ability to experience the flow state greatly decreases.  And this matters in terms of our overall wellbeing.  As Adam Grant reported “in the early days of the pandemic the best predictor of wellbeing wasn’t optimism or mindfulness it was flow – people who were more immersed in their projects managed to avoid languishing and maintain their pre-pandemic happiness level”.

Why is flow so beneficial?

Well first of all it feels good, many people describe it as being in the zone.  Maybe it’s trying to catch a wave, or work out a difficult maths problem or maybe it’s creating a paper mache model. When we experience flow, we are in a state of intense concentration and we put aside the normal hustle and bustle of life. It the opposite of jumping from one task to another or one thought to another which is how many of us spend our day outside of flow.  

How do we achieve it?

At the simplest level you need to engage in some kind of activity - but not any old activity.  The activity needs to be carefully chosen and include the following elements

1.       It’s something that you are already interested in

2.       It’s challenging but not so challenging that it creates high levels of frustration and puts you off

3.       When you engage in the activity, you feel absorbed by what you are doing and lose track of time

Sounds simple and it is simple but it’s also very easy to get side tracked.  In the world we live in today our attention is pulled in so many different directions that achieving that sweet spot of flow can be challenging.

Christine Carter, a sociologist from the States shares some helpful ideas

1.       Clear mental clutter.  Make a list of things we need to do that day and deliberately assign a time to each of these tasks.  By doing this we reduce the intrusive reminders about all the things we need to get done that day making the flow state more likely to be sustained

2.       No focus – No flow.  If we have any chance of getting into a flow state we need to reduce or eliminate interruptions. This means we need to set boundaries.  Anything that might distract us.  For most of us this probably means putting our phones in another room, turning off our email alerts, and if we have children making sure they are settled and happy before we drop into “the zone”😊  

     Finally focus on a small goal – pick something small that matters to you and carve out some daily time to focus on this challenge.  By initially committing to a small step, you are much more likely to follow through and once you rediscover the absorption and energy that the flow state can offer know that you are nudging yourself a little bit closer to flourishing.  

      The next blog will focus on the R in PERMA. Why relationships matter. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When Phone Use Becomes Emotional Coping: What a New Study Reveals About Kids and Screens

  One of the most common clinical questions I get asked is about phones and social media. Many parents (myself included) are grappling with their child’s phone use and wondering whether it’s crossing the line into something more concerning. Our kids live in a world where phones, apps, and social media are deeply woven into daily life — and as parents, it’s incredibly hard to untangle what’s OK from what might be harmful. A new study published in JAMA Pediatrics (June 2025) offers some timely insight — and tentative reassurance — for everyone trying to navigate this challenge. This large-scale study followed more than 4,300 children aged 8 to 12 over four years. The researchers weren’t just measuring how much time kids spent on their phones — they were also looking at what they described as addictive patterns of use . Importantly, addictive behaviours didn’t simply mean spending lots of time on phones or social media. It meant compulsive, emotionally fraught patterns of use,...
Post a Comment
Read more

Power Posing: Unlocking Confidence and Strength in Adolescent Girls

  Have you ever noticed how, around the age of 11, many girls start making themselves smaller? They go from being loud, playful, cartwheeling kids to standing awkwardly, pulling their sleeves over their hands, lowering their heads, and trying to blend in rather than stand out. It is hard to watch but it is something we need to pay attention to. According to Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and author of Presence , our body language doesn’t just affect how others see us—it shapes how we see ourselves, too.   When we hold ourselves confidently, we are more likely to speak up, take risks and lean in to opportunities.   When our body language signals insecurity, we are more likely to hold back.   Cuddy talks about two types of body language: High-power postures – Open, expansive body language where we physically take up more space. Think of the classic “Wonder Woman” stance—standing tall with hands on hips. Low-power postures – Closed, hunched body ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Before You Post: What Every Parent Should Know About "Sharenting"

  Have you ever heard of the term “sharenting”? It was first popularised in a 2010 article by The Wall Street Journal , and combines “sharing” and “parenting” to describe the growing trend of posting content about our kids online—mainly on social media. Over the past couple of years, I have spoken with several young people who were struggling with what their parents were sharing online. They felt embarrassed and frustrated that personal moments from their childhood and early adolescence were posted without their consent and this experience is not unique. Increasingly, young people are expressing discomfort with “sharenting,” and while it is usually well-intentioned, this practice raises important questions about privacy, autonomy, and emotional wellbeing. As parents, we share for a variety of reasons. Many of us post to stay connected with family, to document memories, or to seek support from online communities. For some, it’s a way to feel seen and validated in the challenges of p...
Post a Comment
Read more