The R in PERMA. Why relationships matter.

“Of all the experiences we need to survive and thrive, it is the experience of relating to others that is most meaningful and important” Louis Conzolino professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University.

This is a truth that is now universally acknowledged - our relationships are the single most important predictor for wellbeing across the life span. For the past 80 years researchers at Harvard have been trying to answer the question “what makes a good life?”. They have followed hundreds of people through their lives asking questions, collecting data, and taking extensive physiological measurements.

The results are fascinating but the single most important thing that has emerged from this study is summed up by George Valliant “the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people”. The study found that strong positive relationships were the strongest predictor of life satisfaction, out weighing social class, wealth, IQ or even genes. And not only were strong relationships associated with a greater level of wellbeing across the life span but strong relationships were also associated with better physical health, longevity and financial success.

And this makes so much sense. Being with the people that generate feelings of safety and security allows us to

· regulate our big feelings and reduce the hyperarousal in our bodies

· experience more positive emotion

· provides a protective sense of belonging

· supports us to go out into the world and take positive risks

· widens our thinking and introduces new perspectives

And while strong positive relationships have huge benefits even small micro interactions with people we see regularly - the post lady, the butcher, the GP - provide benefits to our wellbeing.

Putting this into practice

· Remembering that relationships and connection are the single biggest predictor of our happiness and wellbeing

· Recognising that all of our positive relationships count

· Privileging connection. The next time the sofa is calling us away from a coffee with a good friend - choose the coffee, choose the friend. By choosing the friend we are choosing ourselves and our wellbeing

In the next blog we will explore the M in PERMA. Why meaning matters.

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