The power of kindness

The Power of Kindness 

“Be kind whenever possible.

It is always possible”

Dalai Lama

After a morning of rushing which included one forgotten lunch box that needed to be retrieved from home and delivered to a hungry child, I turned up five minutes late and out of breath for an appointment to get my blood taken at the local surgery.  When I entered the room, the nurse looked at me kindly and asked me if I had a busy morning. She then told me a take a few moments to catch my breath and left to get me a cold glass of water.  To my surprise my eyes started to well up, I felt like this lovely nurse, who had only just met me, had really taken the time to see me in that moment and used simple human kindness to communicate to me that she understood…. and this is the power of kindness.  

The corona virus means that many of us are currently living lives that are reminiscent of the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray plays a cynical weather man who finds himself inextricably living the same day over and over again. For many of us we are confined to our houses with trips to the supermarket taking on a whole new level of significance.  The repetition in our days is often punctuated by a myriad of emotions – sometimes anxious, sometimes content, sometimes bored, sometimes angry. 

And yet what we are also experiencing during this strange unprecedented time is what Lea Waters, Professor of Psychology at the University of Melbourne, describes as a global Mexican wave of kindness. All over the world we have witnessed people looking after one another. In Italy a classically trained pianist plays in the streets for her neighbours to enjoy, in the UK we all come together every Thursday to clap and cheer all the people working hard in hospitals, care homes and shops, in smaller moments people are shopping for their neighbours and sending postcards to anyone they think might be lonely.  When we are the recipients of an act of kindness, we are much more likely to pass this kindness on (just like a Mexican wave).   After my encounter with the nurse I left the surgery and before returning home I allowed someone in a hurry to take my place in the supermarket queue, I held the door open for an older gentleman and I donated a small amount of money to a cancer charity.  

In the research literature this is called the ripple effect of kindness and the science around this is fascinating. When we are kind to someone, we experience a significant boost of serotonin, often called the ‘happy hormone’ which can have a powerful impact on our mood and general physical and mental wellbeing.   But that is not all, what is incredible is that this physiological reaction and the benefits this brings is also experienced by the person we are kind to AND anyone lucky enough to have witnessed the kindness. 

So, how do we encourage kindness in both ourselves and our children… 

Choose Kindness: It’s important that we make kindness a priority in our families.  Having a family moto like ‘choose kindness’ is helpful but what is more helpful is ensuring that everyone within the family unit is held to account when it comes to kindness towards one another.  In our house we do not allow name calling.  This doesn’t mean name calling doesn’t happen (unfortunately) but when it does, we can call it out and support our children to think about the impact they are having on the other person and how they can make things right.   

Encourage compassion: All of us have challenges, some of them are very visible and some of them are not.  We need to encourage our children to think about others and what they might be struggling with.  When we are curious about other people’s behaviour it frees us up to more considerate about our response.  

Be kind to yourself: Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to respond to other people with kindness when we have taken care of ourselves? In a world that feels very pressurised it can be very easy for our inner critic to give us a hard time over a missed deadline or criticise us for not responding to the email on time. Responding to these situations with compassion and kindness will make it much more likely that we will be kind to those around us. 

Model it.  We know from vast bodies of research that our children are much more influenced by what we do as opposed to what we say.  Essentially, we need to be the kind person we would like them to be. We also know that our children tend to imitate people that they feel they have most in common with so it’s important that we share stories of other children participating in acts of kindness. 

Kindness can grow like a muscle: No child is born with a kindness gene; this is something all children (and adults!) can develop.  All we need is opportunities to experience the kindness of others and opportunities to practice being kind to others.  The more practice we have the stronger the kindness part of our brain will become.  

For mental health awareness week let’s look for opportunities for kindness remembering that one small act of kindness can release an enormous chain of positive events.  Let’s join the Mexican wave.  

 

Dr Tamara Scully is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist based in the UK.  Tamara runs Castle Psychology (www.castlepsychology.co.uk)  and is passionate about promoting wellbeing and resilience in children, young people and their families