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Repair repair repair





Repair Repair Repair 


As parents there are so many things we worry about.  We worry about giving our children enough attention, we worry about giving them too much attention, we worry about their routine being too structured, we worry about their routine not being structured enough.  And most of all we worry about how we respond to our children in those moments when we lose our temper and end up shouting or even yelling at our children. 








Yelling is frightening and confusing for children.  It activates their threat response which means they become overwhelmed with big feelings making it much more likely that they will either start to fight back (reactive mode) or withdraw (shut down mode) altogether.  The situation is also incredibly confusing for children because when children (and adults) feel frightened they are biologically programmed to go to their primary caregiver for comfort, it is extremely unsettling if this is also the person who is activating their threat response in the first place. Our primary job as parents is to keep our children safe and it is our responsibility to ensure that we are the safe space they can come to when they are feeling overwhelmed by their big emotions.







However, we are also human and we all make mistakes and respond in ways that we wish we didn’t.  Have you ever found yourself so exasperated with your children that you find yourself shouting that the summer holidays are cancelled or there will be no more television for a year? I have!  The good news is that as long as this is not happening all the time it’s OK.   When we respond to situations in unhelpful ways that result in a rupture in the relationship with our child the most important thing we can do in that moment is repair.  We can do this by apologising to our child for getting our response wrong and creating space to think together about how to make it right. It might look something like this…

“I am so sorry for the way I handled that.  My voice was too loud and my words were unkind. Please forgive me.  Do you have any ideas about how we could have managed it better?”

This apology, whatever it looks like, is so valuable.  It shows our children that hard things can happen and relationships can be OK.  It also models for them how to apologise and put things right after a messy unhelpful interaction.   

For many parents this can feel extremely daunting and unfamiliar.    And this is understandable, apologising to anyone makes us feel vulnerable and this will always be slightly elevated when it involves people who are important to us.  But what we know is that rupture followed by repair will deepen the connection and trust between you and your child.  Dan Siegel also suggests that this process will allow our children to be more comfortable in future relationships by enhancing their trust and expectation that conflict in a relationship can be followed by calm and connection. 

All of our children are going to experience many ruptures with friends, teachers, colleagues along their way, let’s give them the gift of both recognising that ruptures can be repaired and the tools to be able to do this in their future relationships.  



  

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