Parenting: Managing the inevitable bumps in the road

 

You have gone away with the kids for a weekend by the sea.  You have some lovely moments – running in the rain on the beach, cycling through a meadow of wild flowers, fish and chips on the pier…. gorgeous and exactly what you were hoping the weekend might bring.  The weekend also brings some very bumpy moments, the flamed tempers over who had the last strawberry, the chain breaking on one of the bikes, the merciless teasing that only siblings can engage in.  In most families these moments are inevitable but while we all acknowledge this inevitability it is often these moments that define the weekend.  Leaving us feeling sad and deflated.

If we think about our kids from a developmental perspective there are so many moments when it is healthy and developmentally appropriate for them to push boundaries and make their own choices.  When we see a two-year-old defiantly walking over to see the ducks after being told not to that is developmentally appropriate, when we see a teenager hotly question the rules around screen time that is developmentally appropriate.  Our kids are biologically programmed to find their own way and eventually become independent from us.  This does not mean we don’t hold our boundaries; we bring the two-year-old back despite the protest; we continue to take the phone at night despite the wrath this boundary creates.  But perhaps what it means is that these bumps are inevitable, they are part of our journey as families and maybe if we can change our relationship with the bumps we can soften their impact.

So why is it, that after a weekend away, it is the bumps that lodge themselves so firmly in our memories.  This happens because our brains are wired with something called a negativity bias, this essentially means that we are all super-efficient at spotting and storing the bumpy moments and not so great at spotting and storing the awesome moments – the moments your kids call “cooking”.   This negativity bias is hard wired and while it can be very frustrating it is also very important from an evolutionary perspective.  Our ancestors needed to be able to spot the threats in their environment to survive.  If they allowed their attention to focus on the beautiful flower instead of the raging tiger, they may not have survived.  (I have written an earlier blog on how we use gratitude to counter our negativity bias The Science of Gratitude (resilienceandwellbeing.blogspot.com)  if you are interested.)

So how do we manage the reality that…

1.       In all family’s bumps are inevitable

2.       Bumps are often signs of developmentally appropriate behaviour from our kids

3.       Our brain is always going to pull us towards the bumps, the bumps will stick like Velcro and the “cooking” will slide off like Teflon. 

…Acceptance.  Acceptance is essentially our ability to observe and accept, rather than judge or avoid, what is happening in the moment.  When I talk about acceptance, I mean being OK with what is happening in the moment, the bumps and the “cooking” moments.  It is not about ignoring what is happening or pretending everything is OK. It is about looking at the situation and saying to yourself “this is not perfect; this is a bump and a bump is OK”

Many of us move away from acceptance because it is confusing.  We often confuse it with being passive but acceptance is not the same as resignation.  Jon Kabat Zinn explains this so eloquently in his book Coming to our Senses “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation.  Quite the opposite, it takes a huge amount of fortitude and imagination to accept what is – especially when you don’t like it – and then work wisely and effectively as best as you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed”

When we can accept the bump, this places us in a much stronger position to think about how we respond and manage the bump.

The HOW of acceptance…

1.       Cultivate awareness – we cannot change anything if we are not aware that it is happening, pay attention to thoughts and feelings that show up in the bumpy moments

2.       Pause – pausing sits at the centre of psychological flexibility.  When we find ourselves in a bumpy moment (awareness) practice pausing – “I notice we are in a bumpy moment” – this pause is crucial when we are deliberately trying to develop new responses to old situations

3.       Acceptance – this part does not need to be complicated but it does need to be compassionate “this is a bump, this is part of our journey, this is how it is for now”

4.       Deliberate Practice – acceptance is a skill not a trait and it is something we can nurture in ourselves.  Awareness – Pause – Acceptance – Repeat  

Finally

Acceptance is hard. Resistance to what is happening is often our default response in any bumpy situation and cultivating acceptance requires dedication and deliberate practice. Sometimes you will manage it and sometimes you wouldn’t and that’s OK, that’s human.  The direction of travel is so much more important than the speed.