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Showing up for everyone when we have one child with depression



For young people who are struggling with depression life can feel unbearable.  They often struggle with debilitating low mood, they cannot find the motivation to do the simplest task, they feel isolated and often find it hard to hold on to hope for their future. 

Living with a young person with depression can also feel unbearable.  We now know just how contagious our emotions are and anyone reading this who has a child with depression will know just how difficult it is to remain upbeat.  We want the best for all our children and most parents work hard to provide the extra support a child with depression needs.  In many ways this is positive, treating our children fairly means that we need to consider each of our children as individuals, who require a specific type of support based on the uniqueness of who they are.

However, with so much focus on the child who is struggling we also need to be mindful of how we show up for their brothers and sisters.

Dr Nicola Corvill, a clinical psychologist based in Australia, suggests there are several things that we as parents need to hold in mind when we are raising a family where one family member is struggling.

Attention

When we have a child struggling with something like depression, we tend to give them more – more of our emotional resource, more of our physical time, more consideration in family planning…. And while this is perfectly understandable it has the capacity to leave the rest of our children feeling unseen and even uncared for.  As many of us know some children will ask for this missing attention through their behaviour – they might act out in order to pull you closer, start arguments, refuse to do their homework, not come home on time, develop their own mental health difficulties.  For other children – generally the ones labelled as helpful – they may not demand the extra attention they need because this would challenge the story they have been given. 

It is important to remember that when our children are repeatedly described in a particular way, they often internalise these messages about themselves.  In families where one child is struggling with something like depression it is not uncommon for another child in that family to be labelled as the helpful one.  They may become very attuned to their sibling’s mood and their parents’ exhaustion and adapt a helpful position within the family. They will generally do what is asked of them, they will not complain and will often try and make themselves as unobtrusive as possible.  We will often describe this child as “easy” and we often forget that this child also needs our time and attention. 

For this reason, it is so important that as parents we schedule protected time with all our children.  This does not need to be long (5/10 minutes) but it does need to be consistent.  This time can be used for whatever the child or young person wants to use it for, they might choose a dog walk or they might choose watching the television with you. They might want to talk they might not – what matters is that you show up and make yourself available to them.  This gives your young person a clear message that they matter while also giving them the opportunity to talk about anything that is bothering them – siblings of children with depression can often minimise their own difficulties so creating this space can be very preventative

The caring role

One of the roles a “helpful” child may take on is caring for their brother or sister.  While this can be a very valuable and rewarding position for the young person, we as parents need to be mindful of just how much responsibility they are taking on. 

This can be hard; in a busy household we often feel so grateful for the help and support that we don’t pause to think about whether it is appropriate.  In psychology we often use the term “parentified child” when we are talking about children who take on the role of caregiver within the family.  In the general order of things, we as parents take responsibility for proving care for our children, while also gradually encouraging our children to take responsibility for themselves and others. It is fine and often beneficial for siblings to play a role in the care of their siblings, it is not fine or beneficial for them to inadvertently become the main carer. 

Be honest  

Our children are very observant. They will always notice changes in behaviour and without having an explanation they can often be left confused and frightened. 

Having an age-appropriate understanding of what their siblings is experiencing is important.  This understanding will influence how they make sense of the behaviour and most importantly will support them to separate the person from the behaviour.  When a young person is depressed, they can impact the activity of the whole family.  Over time this can build resentment.  Having a clear understanding of why this is happening may temper the build-up of this resentment.

Things to hold in mind

·       Plan what you are going to say taking into consideration the age and developmental stage of your child

·       Pick a good time - this can be a very difficult topic for YP to think about so be thoughtful of when you bring the conversation up.  For many children and YP they find it easier to listen if they are doing something else like walking the dog or driving somewhere in the car  

·       Validate their feelings – it is hard to live with someone with depression and it is fundamental that there is a space for this to be expressed and acknowledged

·       Give them permission to put boundaries into place – they can be supportive to their siblings AND they can also say no

·       Think together about how you manage it – who they can talk to if they have more questions, how to explain to others outside the immediate family or respond if someone at school starts asking lots of questions, how to ask for more help if this is what they need

More help

For some children and YP being seen and heard will be enough.  For other children and YP it will not.  We all have expectations of what family life should be like and when our reality falls short of these expectations this creates a reality gap.  For children who really struggle with their sibling’s mental health difficulties having some support from a professional can be valuable.  This will provide them with a safe space to explore the loss or resentment they may be experiencing while also giving them permission to put boundaries into place.

Finally

Siblings who grow up with a brother or sister struggling with depression will often develop greater empathy and compassion.  They witness first-hand the struggles mental health difficulties can bring and this understanding is valuable on both a personal and community level. This experience can also build their resilience, increasing their capacity to bounce back from the inevitable adversity that life brings.  Nicola Corvill identifies these children as “the adults who will advocate for more inclusive communities and recognise social injustice.”  It is so important that we acknowledge the challenges of living with a sibling with a significant mental health difficulty, but it is also so important to remember that when we as parents see all of our children and support all of our children this experience can also bring many benefits.


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