For young people who are
struggling with depression life can feel unbearable. They often struggle with debilitating low
mood, they cannot find the motivation to do the simplest task, they feel
isolated and often find it hard to hold on to hope for their future.
Living with a young person with depression
can also feel unbearable. We now know
just how contagious our emotions are and anyone reading this who has a child
with depression will know just how difficult it is to remain upbeat. We want the best for all our children and
most parents work hard to provide the extra support a child with depression needs. In many ways this is positive, treating our
children fairly means that we need to consider each of our children as
individuals, who require a specific type of support based on the uniqueness of
who they are.
However, with so much focus on
the child who is struggling we also need to be mindful of how we show up for their
brothers and sisters.
Dr Nicola Corvill, a clinical
psychologist based in Australia, suggests there are several things that we as
parents need to hold in mind when we are raising a family where one family
member is struggling.
Attention
When we have a child struggling
with something like depression, we tend to give them more – more of our
emotional resource, more of our physical time, more consideration in family
planning…. And while this is perfectly understandable it has the capacity to
leave the rest of our children feeling unseen and even uncared for. As many of us know some children will ask for
this missing attention through their behaviour – they might act out in order to
pull you closer, start arguments, refuse to do their homework, not come home on
time, develop their own mental health difficulties. For other children – generally the ones
labelled as helpful – they may not demand the extra attention they need because
this would challenge the story they have been given.
It is important to remember that
when our children are repeatedly described in a particular way, they often internalise
these messages about themselves. In
families where one child is struggling with something like depression it is not
uncommon for another child in that family to be labelled as the helpful one. They may become very attuned to their
sibling’s mood and their parents’ exhaustion and adapt a helpful position
within the family. They will generally do what is asked of them, they will not
complain and will often try and make themselves as unobtrusive as
possible. We will often describe this
child as “easy” and we often forget that this child also needs our time and
attention.
For this reason, it is so
important that as parents we schedule protected time with all our
children. This does not need to be long (5/10
minutes) but it does need to be consistent.
This time can be used for whatever the child or young person wants to
use it for, they might choose a dog walk or they might choose watching the
television with you. They might want to talk they might not – what matters is
that you show up and make yourself available to them. This gives your young person a clear message
that they matter while also giving them the opportunity to talk about anything
that is bothering them – siblings of children with depression can often
minimise their own difficulties so creating this space can be very preventative
The caring role
One of the roles a “helpful”
child may take on is caring for their brother or sister. While this can be a very valuable and
rewarding position for the young person, we as parents need to be mindful of
just how much responsibility they are taking on.
This can be hard; in a busy
household we often feel so grateful for the help and support that we don’t
pause to think about whether it is appropriate.
In psychology we often use the term “parentified child” when we are
talking about children who take on the role of caregiver within the
family. In the general order of things,
we as parents take responsibility for proving care for our children, while also
gradually encouraging our children to take responsibility for themselves and
others. It is fine and often beneficial for siblings to play a role in the care
of their siblings, it is not fine or beneficial for them to inadvertently
become the main carer.
Be honest
Our children are very observant. They
will always notice changes in behaviour and without having an explanation they
can often be left confused and frightened.
Having an age-appropriate
understanding of what their siblings is experiencing is important. This understanding will influence how they
make sense of the behaviour and most importantly will support them to separate
the person from the behaviour. When a
young person is depressed, they can impact the activity of the whole
family. Over time this can build
resentment. Having a clear understanding
of why this is happening may temper the build-up of this resentment.
Things to hold in mind
·
Plan what you are going to say taking
into consideration the age and developmental stage of your child
·
Pick a good time - this can be a very
difficult topic for YP to think about so be thoughtful of when you bring the
conversation up. For many children and
YP they find it easier to listen if they are doing something else like walking
the dog or driving somewhere in the car
·
Validate their feelings – it is hard to
live with someone with depression and it is fundamental that there is a space
for this to be expressed and acknowledged
·
Give them permission to put boundaries into
place – they can be supportive to their siblings AND they can also say no
·
Think together about how you manage it –
who they can talk to if they have more questions, how to explain to others
outside the immediate family or respond if someone at school starts asking lots
of questions, how to ask for more help if this is what they need
More help
For some children and YP being
seen and heard will be enough. For other
children and YP it will not. We all have
expectations of what family life should be like and when our reality falls
short of these expectations this creates a reality gap. For children who really struggle with their sibling’s
mental health difficulties having some support from a professional can be
valuable. This will provide them with a
safe space to explore the loss or resentment they may be experiencing while
also giving them permission to put boundaries into place.
Finally
Siblings who grow up with a
brother or sister struggling with depression will often develop greater empathy
and compassion. They witness first-hand
the struggles mental health difficulties can bring and this understanding is
valuable on both a personal and community level. This experience can also build
their resilience, increasing their capacity to bounce back from the inevitable adversity
that life brings. Nicola Corvill identifies
these children as “the adults who will advocate for more inclusive communities
and recognise social injustice.” It is
so important that we acknowledge the challenges of living with a sibling with a
significant mental health difficulty, but it is also so important to remember that
when we as parents see all of our children and support all of our children this
experience can also bring many benefits.
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