Dr Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist based in the US, has coined the term Most Generous Interpretation. This concept stems from the basic idea that we are all good inside. Adapting this concept creates space for us to be curious about other people’s behaviour and supports us to shift from “what is wrong with you” to “why is this behaviour happening”.
So how do we take this idea and
make it applicable in our everyday relationship moments? Essentially, we do this by asking one simple
question “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened.”
Imagine the scenario – you have
just arrived home after a long day at work, you come in the front door and your
daughter asks if you have remembered to pick up her book from the library. You have completely forgotten and apologise
to your daughter. Your daughter starts
shouting at you “you are rubbish, you never think about me, I hate you”
So how do we respond. For most of us this will activate our own
threat response and we might respond with
a) “Please do not talk to me like
that” and walk away
b) “We do not shout; you have
lost your screen time for today” (often delivered in a shout!)
c) “You already have loads of
books”
d) “Gosh you must have had a
really tricky day today. I would really like to hear
more”
Options a-c are all very familiar
to me and they all send different messages to our children – your big feelings
are too much for me right now, we don’t tolerate big feelings in this house,
what you are feeling about the book is not important to me. When we choose the 4th option
(which is not easy!) we are shifting ourselves into a position of curiosity, we
are asking why - maybe our daughter had a really tricky day at school and her
resource is all used up, maybe she has been waiting for me to come back with
the book for many hours and is crushed by disappointment when I don’t have it,
maybe the book is for a school assignment and she feels overwhelmed with
anxiety when I say that I don’t have it.
She could be overwhelmed by any of these big feelings and when we are
overwhelmed by big feeling they often crash out in our words and in our
actions. Dr Becky suggests that when we are able focus
on the MGI this supports us to attend to what is going on inside our child (the
big worries, the big feelings) rather than what is going on outside our child
(their words and actions).
Choosing to understand their behaviour in the most generous way is not letting them off the hook it is supporting them to grow their own emotional regulation skills. It is supporting them to know “they are good kids having a hard time” (Dr Becky). This approach allows us to remain connected to our child. This is important because it is only from a place of connection that our child will feel safe enough to begin to think about what happened and it is only from there that we can think together about what the next steps might be.
Good Inside: A practical guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Dr Becky Kennedy
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