The single most important question for parents “Am I regulated?”

 

You know the drill – you have come back from the beach; everyone is tired and your youngest child refuses to get her pyjamas on.  She is shouting and screaming and kicking her little legs at anything she can reach.  She is experiencing a moment of complete dysregulation – a moment where she no longer has access to the rational thinking part of her brain.  It’s her emotions in the driving seat and they have their foot to the floor.

So, what do we do?

Once we know our child is safe the single most important question we can ask ourselves in this situation is “am I regulated” - do I have access to the rational thinking part of my own brain.  If we do, we are in a strong position to take a deep breath (or 20!) and support our little person to get their own rational brain back online.  We generally do this by connecting with where they are. 

This might look something like

“I can see that you are really struggling right now, it’s hard to put your pyjamas on when you have just arrived home and you want to play, would you like a cuddle”   

Your child may or may not be able to respond to this but what they will have experienced is someone seeing them, recognising their distress and offering a soothing space.  This experience greatly enhances their capacity to get their rational upstairs brain back online and move out of the emotional reactivity that has consumed them.    

If on the other hand we are not regulated (because we are also tired and exhausted having spent the whole day managing our kids on the beach!) like our children we also lose access to the thinking rational part of our brain.  What this means is that our emotions (hello frustration) are also in the driving seat which makes for two very erratic drivers.   In this context we are so much more likely to use an unhelpful tone of voice (generally harsh), say things we regret (“you are spoiling the whole day”) and in some situations manhandle our children - all of these actions will serve to further activate your child’s threat response which will manifest in one of three ways

1.       They will continue to fight with us (shouting/kicking/name calling)  

2.       They will run away (leave the room/hide under the stairs/go in the garden)  

3.       They will freeze and withdraw (stop communicating with us/withdraw into themselves)  

Each of these three options break the connection between us and our child - leaving our little (or big) person managing high levels of arousal and discomfort without their most important connection.

So how do we ensure that we are regulated before we intervene……

Move – mountains of research have shown us that moving our bodies is one of the most effective ways to reduce the level of hyperarousal we are experiencing - this can be as simple as ten jumping jacks, a vigorous stretch, running on the spot.   It is so much harder to remain in a tricky emotional state when our physical state is active

20 second hug This is helpful for a number of reasons - hugging someone you feel safe with sends your brain the message that you are safe and well and this allows your body to switch off the FFF response and return to a more relaxed state.  It also stimulates the release of a chemical called oxytocin which some people call the bonding hormone.  This is pretty special because it encourages us to be more empathetic, which will be super helpful when we have an overwhelmed little person.

Go outside Spending even a short amount of time in a green and blue outdoor space can make a massive difference to our emotional state.   Just by being outdoors the hyperarousal in our bodies reduce, and once the hyperarousal reduces, we get our rational brain back online.   

Sing – this is awesome – when we sing (or even hum!) something called our vagus nerve gets activated.  This nerve is one of the longest and most important in our bodies and helps manage a number of important functions.  One of these functions is our parasympathetic nervous system which is essentially our bodies relaxation response.   Once this is activated, we too can move from a reactive position to a more receptive position allowing us to have more choice over how we manage the situation.

One of the greatest favours we can give our children is modelling the fact that we all experience big feelings.  By accepting these feelings and showing our children healthy ways to work through them we are giving them not only permission to feel their own feelings but also healthy ways to manage them.  By prioritise our own regulation, we give our children the gift of connection before correction.  Connection will move your child’s brain from reactivity to receptivity, it will support the development of an integrated brain and it will create strong supportive relationships between us and our children.

Sometimes we manage this and sometimes we don't.  That's OK, this is being human.  When the inevitable ruptures happen, because they will on a regular basis, we need to remember to repair (please see previous post) so that the lost connection is re-established.