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Parenting: Is there a right way?

 



A few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation in a coffee shop.  It was between two mothers in their mid-thirties.  They were speaking about another mother at their school and her approach to parenting.  They recognised the warmth and love she felt for her children but were flabbergasted at her laissez-faire attitude to structure and boundaries.  Essentially, they were describing what psychologists call permissive parenting. 

Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, who identified the three styles of parenting in the 1960’s, defines permissive parents as “more responsive than they are demanding.  They are non-traditional and lenient, allow considerable self-regulation, and do not require mature behaviour”.

Now a days permissive parenting is generally identified by low demands and a high level of responsiveness.  Parents who are incredibly loving and available for their children… who do not place many limits on their children’s behaviour. 

Signs that you may be parenting in a more permissive way

·       Your house is pretty relaxed with very few rules or boundaries

·       You are available and provide lots of emotional support but stop short of placing demands on your child in terms of behaviour, homework, chores etc ….

·       You have a loose structure at home, everyone can pretty much do what they want

·       Your children might describe you as more of a friend than a parent

·       In general, you avoid confrontation with your child whenever possible

 

So, what are the outcomes of permissive parenting? Traditionally permissive parenting was considered detrimental to the outcomes for our children but now we are not so sure.  The research appears to depend on how the researchers define different parenting approaches.  The same parent might be identified as permissive in one study and authoritative in another which makes trusting the research in this area difficult. 

In general permissive parenting is warm and responsive and this is a really good thing for our kids.  It creates connection and secure attachment, increases psychological safety, and reduces stress.  When it comes to the other important aspect of parenting, guidance and limit setting, children of permissive parents may be at a disadvantage. Permissive parenting has been associated with an increase in behaviour problems, substance abuse and a decrease in school performance.    

BUT there is also evidence to suggest that children of permissive parents thrive.  One large study (which has been repeated subsequently) was carried out by Garcia and Garcia in 2009.  It involved 1400 kids being questioned about their parents.   The researchers categorised the parents and identified links between parenting styles and the child’s outcome.  In this study (and many subsequent studies) the teens with the permissive parents were identified as having higher self-esteem, were less likely to see the world as a dangerous place and were more likely to be emotionally engaged. 

The take away…

As the two mothers left the coffee shop, I was left contemplating the vast array of advice that is currently available to parents and how difficult it can be to decipher this research.   Ultimately, I think what matters most is that we understand clearly what is linked to better outcomes for our children.  There is no research that tells us ignoring anti -social behaviour is in our children’s best interest.  There is no research that tells us that our children flourish when they have no autonomy and are told exactly what they can and cannot do.  There is ample research that tells us a warm nurturing relationship with our primary caregiver is beneficial and protective in almost every way imaginable.  Once we are providing consistent nurture and warmth to our children we need to see and understand the child standing in front of us – their temperament, their strengths, their struggles because this is what we need to pay attention to in order to parent in the most advantageous way for each of our individual children.  

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