Parenting: The difference between shame and guilt and why this matters SO much

 

Many of us use the terms guilt and shame interchangeably.  We talk about feeling shameful and guilty about something difficult that has happened.   But shame researchers, including Brene Brown, believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. 

Guilt “I did something wrong”

Shame “I am wrong”

In these two statements there is a subtle difference in language and labelling. But this difference carries a monumental weight.    

Guilt is our friend.  Guilt makes us feel uncomfortable about something we have done and this discomfort pushes us to address the situation – going back to the shop with the item we forgot to pay for, saying sorry for being mean, allowing someone else to choose this time.  Feeling bad when we do something wrong might not feel great but it is important.  Otherwise, where would we find the motivation and drive to do better next time or repair the situation this time. 

Shame is not our friend.  We have all felt it, that horrible sick feeling you get in your tummy, that sense of unworthiness.  It might be about how we look; it might be about how clever we are; it might be about saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.   Brene Brown defines shame as “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”  When we feel shame, we believe we are bad and sometimes we believe that there is nothing we can do about it.

Within the criminal justice system there is now a recognition that offenders who believe you can be a good person who has done a bad thing are much less likely to reoffend.  And this makes sense.  When we hold a core belief of “I am good person who sometimes makes bad decisions” our ability to consider change is present.  On the other hand, if we hold a core belief of “I am a bad person who does bad things” it is almost impossible to contemplate change.  Shame is never helpful or productive.

So how does all of this relate to parenting?

Let us consider this question.  

“Are you raising your child in a pro shame or a pro guilt environment?”

Parenting is gorgeous and fun and fulfilling and …. hard.  Most of us come into parenting with an idea of what it will be like, of what we will be like and what our kids will be like.  Sometimes the experience can feel very different.  It is very easy to feel shame over something our child has done, maybe they were mean to someone at school, maybe they cheated in their final exam … when this happens, we often transfer the feelings of shame we are experiencing onto our kids.  Imagine this scenario, the swimming lesson has finished and all the kids have piled in together and are busy getting dressed.  One child does not want to get out of the shower and they want help to get dressed.  Their parent watches as their child is the only child who is not getting dressed. In that moment the parent says “why can’t you dress yourself like everybody else, what is wrong with you.”  This is a shame-based response.  It locates all the difficulty in the child and essentially gives the child the message that there is something wrong with them.  

This scenario is definitely familiar to me, I have been in this place with my own children and I am sure I will be again.  We are human and we are going to get it wrong some of the time.  When we parent with shame it is incredibly important that we repair the rupture and support our child to move away from the shame.  In this instance this might look something like “I’m sorry I spoke you like that, you are a good kid who was finding it hard to make a good choice in that moment.”   If, on the other hand, we use shame as a core parenting strategy, our children, through repeated exposure to shame, will internalise a sense of self that is unworthy of love and belonging.   And not only this but the long-term effects of shame-based parenting include higher risks of depression, higher risk of dropping out of school, and engagement in much more risky behaviours. 

Take home…

Avoid using shame as a parenting tool.  It is something that may work in the moment to change their behaviour but the cost is vast and has the capacity to impact on every area of our children’s lives going forward.  If you are able, talk to your child about the difference between shame and guilt.  Shame tells us that we are bad, guilt tells us that we did something bad.  And the next time your teenager says out much later than she is allowed she is not a bad teenager; she is a good teenager who made a bad decision.  Separating our child from the choices they make is pro guilt parenting and this is the parenting that communicates “You are a good kid who did something that was unacceptable”