Have you ever had the experience of feeling like you do not matter? The feeling of not being valued in your team at work, the feeling that your friends don’t really notice you, the feeling that you have nothing of value to add to the project meeting. I have and it doesn’t feel great.
Mattering is a core human need, a fundamental component of human
flourishing. Gordon Flett, a professor
at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering” defines
mattering as “more than just a feeling that you belong in a group, but also feeling
like the group will miss you if you are not there.” This might be your family group, your friendship
group, your work group.
The research from Isaac Prilleltensky suggests that to matter
means experiencing two similar, but separate, things. Firstly, we need to feel valued, we
feel valued when we feel seen and appreciated by other people. Secondly, we
need to feel like we are adding value, adding value allows us to feel
relevant and important to the group.
To feel like we matter we need…
·
Attention –
the feeling we get when people notice us and are interested in what is
happening in our life
·
Importance – feeling
cared about and feeling like we are important to the person or group
·
Dependence –
this is the feeling that other people rely on us, that we are adding value to
their lives and we are needed
Because the concept of mattering is held within relationships
sometimes it can be hard to know how much we matter. To help us with this Gordon Flett created a
scale called the GMS (General Mattering Scale) and these questions are a
helpful place to start.
How important are you to others?
How much do others pay attention to you?
How much would you be missed if you went away?
How interested are others in what you have to say?
How much do other people depend on you?
Feeling like we matter increases self-compassion, we are more satisfied with our relationships, and we have a greater confidence in our ability to achieve. This ultimately means we are prepared to take more chances to enrich our lives. Feeling like we don’t matter, on the other hand, is associated with a much louder inner critic, higher levels of anxiety and depression, greater burnout rates and an increased risk of suicide. Feeling like we don’t matter is incredibly painful and has far reaching consequence on all aspects of our lives.
This can feel quite scary to read. Especially if we feel like we don’t matter in
the important areas of our lives – our families, our friends, our jobs. And while much of our core mattering comes
from our early childhood experiences the research around our ability to
increase our feeling of mattering is hopeful.
Gordon Flett describes mattering as malleable and while he acknowledges
that it is strongly influenced by our early experiences his research also strongly
supports the assertion that we can change how we perceive our value.
When we think about mattering we often think about life’s big
moments - the big promotion at work, the
flattering toast on our 40th birthday, a surprise trip to celebrate a
milestone. These moments are special and
increase our sense of mattering. But
mattering can also be created and maintained in much smaller moments. The delicious
lasagne that someone leaves on our door step when we are sheltering at home, the
feeling we get when we open the door, that feeling is mattering. The work colleague who asks after our mother when
she had been poorly, that is mattering.
The boss who recognises we are exhausted and allows us you go home a few
minutes early, that is mattering. Understanding
this is helpful because it places us all in a position to influence and increase
the feeling of mattering in everyone around us.
And this is a win win because one of the simplest pathways to increasing
our sense of mattering is to give to others.
Our most precious resource is our time and when we use this resource to
encourage, mentor, supervise others we will not only increase their sense of
mattering but we will also increase our own.
And if mentoring or coaching is not your bag just make a sandwich or a
cup of coffee for someone. Remember mattering
is build in the small moments not grand gestures.
Another way we can increase our sense of mattering is by
engaging in something that is bigger than ourselves – maybe it’s an environmental
campaign, maybe it’s taking a more active role in the PTFA, or maybe it’s offering
your coaching skills to the local football team. Martin Seligman suggests that being able to contribute
(add value) and belong (matter) to something creates a sense of purpose in our lives. And it is this sense of belonging and purpose
that nudges us closer to a greater sense of mattering.
We all deserve to feel like we matter in our work and in our
relationships. To know that people value
our presence AND to know that we have opportunities to add value on a regular
basis. It is OK to ask… Am I treated fairly?
Do the people I work with value my point of view? Do I make my partner feel
valued and does my partner make me feel valued? Marisa Franco, the author of Platonic,
suggests that sometimes mattering “requires making sure you only engage in
relationships with people who reflect that you matter back to you.” We can all manage short periods of not being
valued but a prolonged period of feeling like we don’t matter has the capacity
to impact all aspects of our lives.
Remember mattering is not just a “nice to have,” it is incredibly protective both in terms of resilience and human flourishing. Taking the time to cultivate mattering in our lives will always be an investment worth making.
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