Skip to main content

Raising teenagers: Things we definitely need to know


Can any of you remember Kevin and Perry? It is a sketch from Harry Enfield based on two emerging adolescents.  In one of the most memorable episodes Kevin is very excited about the prospect of turning 13.  The family gather in the living room and eagerly watch the clock strike midnight on the day of Kevin’s 13th birthday.  Within seconds his parents watch in utter dismay as their child appears to suddenly lose all sense of rational thought, his dress sense changes and he almost immediately starts to criticise his parents for all their short comings.   While we all know the emergence of adolescence does not happen overnight (and happens well before 13) the very significant changes that come with adolescence can often catch us completely off guard. 

Our understanding of adolescence has changed a lot over the past 25 years and we now know that most of the changes in adolescence are driven by a massive reconstruction project in the teenage brain.  I have written in detail about these changes in an earlier blog  

https://resilienceandwellbeing.blogspot.com/2021/05/understanding-amazing-teenage-brain.html

Adolescence is a time of immense change, our bodies change, our hormone levels change, our relationship with our parents change, our brain is changing and it is messy and wonderful all at the same time. 

So, what are the most important aspects to understand…

·       The primary job of our teenagers is to separate from us.  The way their brain supports them to do this is by vastly increasing the importance and privilege they place on their friendships.  This can be a painful process for parents but it is developmentally important.  Peers become their new tribe and any ruptures in these relationships can be extremely painful and frightening for our young people. 

·       Their feeling and emotions get a promotion.  Because of all the reconstruction happening in the teenage brain our teenagers do not have easy access to the rational thinking part of their brain.  As a result of this so many of their decisions will be based on how they are feeling rather than how they are thinking.  Not only this, they will also feel their emotions much more intensely than at any other time in their lives, particularly during early adolescence.  These intense emotions are necessary to push our teenagers to try new things and take on new challenges.   But they will also make for a very bumpy ride because the teenage emotional landscape is not smooth.  As many of you will already know their emotions can rapidly change from one moment to the next.    

·       Teenagers love new things. The teenage brain LOVES novelty, especially when the new thing comes with a little (or a big) bit of risk.   And this is necessary. Risk is fundamental to growth - without taking risks there is no growth.  Sometimes these risks are positive – trying out for the football team, auditioning for the school play.  Sometimes these risks are not so positive – taking drugs or trying elaborate tricks on their skateboard without wearing a helmet. In these circumstances the teenage brain is so focused on the thrill and excitement that they often do not have access to that thinking part of their brain (PFC) that helps them to consider consequences.

·       A 15-year-old can reason just as well as an adult. While teenagers do not always have access to the thinking part of their brain this does not mean that during the journey through adolescence their brain is not becoming a wildly more complex and mature brain.  What this means is that teenagers gradually have access to much more complex thinking and reasoning.  They realise quite quickly that their parents are not the all-knowing people they once knew but fallible humans who know very little.  The combination of the drive for separation and the newly complex brain means that our teenagers get very good at pushing boundaries and questioning our wisdom on almost everything.  This can feel hard as parents and if not well understood can create a lot of friction in our relationships with our teens. 

Adolescence is a messy wonderful creative period of life.  Adolescence is also unpredictable emotional and hard.  When we as parents understand that it is normal and healthy for our teens to favour their peers over us, to feel things with so much intensity it will almost knock them over, to take good and not so good risks, to eventually emerge from adolescence with a more integrated efficient brain it’s easier for everyone.  Our job as parents is not to remove the obstacles, that is the job of being a teenager, our job as parents is to reach out our hand when they fall to see if they would like our support to get back up.  And this is an important job.     

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Parenting: The difference between shame and guilt and why this matters SO much

  Many of us use the terms guilt and shame interchangeably.   We talk about feeling shameful and guilty about something difficult that has happened.     But shame researchers, including Brene Brown, believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt.   Guilt “I did something wrong” Shame “I am wrong” In these two statements there is a subtle difference in language and labelling. But this difference carries a monumental weight.      Guilt is our friend.   Guilt makes us feel uncomfortable about something we have done and this discomfort pushes us to address the situation – going back to the shop with the item we forgot to pay for, saying sorry for being mean, allowing someone else to choose this time.   Feeling bad when we do something wrong might not feel great but it is important.   Otherwise, where would we find the motivation and drive to do better next time or repair the situation this time.   Sha...
Post a Comment
Read more

Parenting: Managing the inevitable bumps in the road

  You have gone away with the kids for a weekend by the sea.   You have some lovely moments – running in the rain on the beach, cycling through a meadow of wild flowers, fish and chips on the pier…. gorgeous and exactly what you were hoping the weekend might bring.   The weekend also brings some very bumpy moments, the flamed tempers over who had the last strawberry, the chain breaking on one of the bikes, the merciless teasing that only siblings can engage in.   In most families these moments are inevitable but while we all acknowledge this inevitability it is often these moments that define the weekend.   Leaving us feeling sad and deflated. If we think about our kids from a developmental perspective there are so many moments when it is healthy and developmentally appropriate for them to push boundaries and make their own choices.   When we see a two-year-old defiantly walking over to see the ducks after being told not to that is developmentally appropr...
Post a Comment
Read more

Understanding the connection between anger and self worth

  I was listening to podcast yesterday with Dr Becky Kennedy, the author of Good Inside, and she said this “Anger is a sign that we have preserved access to our self-worth.”   When we have a high level of self-worth and we do not have access to the things we need we feel angry.   She talked about having a “healthy entitlement” to what you want and need which is intimately connected to feeling worthy. Psychologists often consider anger to be a secondary emotion.   Anger is often what we see when people are feeling any number of other emotions – shame, humiliation, grief.   Anger is often easier to express than shame or humiliation.   It is often easier to say “I’m so livid about what happen” than “I feel really ashamed about what happened”.   Brene Brown in her beautiful book Atlas of the Heart suggests that as many as 20 of the 87 emotions she identifies in the book are likely to present as anger.   How we manage our emotions is influenced b...
Post a Comment
Read more