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Separation anxiety: Why it shows up and what we can do about it


 

When children feel anxious about being away from their parents and carers this can sometimes be called separation anxiety.  And while this is a very uncomfortable feeling it is also a vital one.  The main job of separation anxiety is to keep our important people close to us.  Small humans, in particular,  are very dependent on the kindness and care of others for survival.  Separation anxiety keeps small humans  close to big humans until they are ready and able to manage things by themselves.

The reason separation anxiety creates such havoc is when and where is shows up! Specifically, when it decides to show up in situations that are perfectly safe and stops our young people from doing the things that are important for their development.    

Separation anxiety can feel dreadful for our young people and as a parent this is hard.  But if we feel confident that the situation is safe it is SO important that we support them to separate from us.  Not supporting this and allowing the anxiety to get into the driving seat is not only unhelpful but it essentially encourages the separation anxiety to get bigger and stronger.     

Here are some things that are important to hold in mind in supporting our young people to manage this:

1.     Separation anxiety is real and it is scary.  For our young people to feel confident about managing these feelings they need them to be recognised and understood by the people who support them.  This essentially means shifting from "What's wrong? There is nothing to worry about" (often our default) to   “I can see how difficult this is for you, it’s hard to be away from me.”  This is called validation and it allows our kids to relax in the knowledge that we get what they are experiencing – they may only relax a little bit at first but maybe a little bit is all they need to take the first steps.     

2.     Our brains learn by doing.  We can talk a lot about separation anxiety…. why it happens and what we need to do about it... but for separation anxiety to get smaller we must do the thing we are anxious about. If we consistently respond to our young person’s separation anxiety with avoidance, we are literally teaching the brain that the only way to stay safe in this situation is to avoid separation.    

3.    You do not have to do it all at once. Some children can immediately tolerate long periods away from their primary carers, most children cannot and that’s OK.  In my work I talk a lot about the power of small – small steps, small amounts of bravery, small wins.  And maybe this is where you need to start, the direction of travel is so much more important than the speed.

4.    Let them bring you with them.   When our young people have a felt sense that we are there even if we are not, it can be enough for them to keep going.  This might be a picture, a piece of clothing, a message on their phone they can listen to.  With my daughter we sometimes draw very tiny hearts on both our wrists.  It doesn’t matter what it is, what’s important is that it feels significant. 

5.    Be the person you want them to be.  Children and young people will hear what we say but will do what we do.   We all have aspects of our lives we find hard, when our kids see our struggle alongside our brave it gives them more confidence to find their own brave.

Being away from their safe people is going to feel hard for young people with separation anxiety. Finding the smallest glimmer of bravery, taking the smallest of steps, experiencing the smallest of  wins is how you begin to boss it back.  Our job as parents and carers is to continue to facilitate and encourage these steps regardless of how small they seem.  Small steps ultimately lead to big changes.


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