Skip to main content

Why connection is a superpower


 

So, we all know the scenario, we have a child who is completely overwhelmed by whatever big feeling has shown up – anxiety, frustration, anger.   Their lid is flipped and their body is surging with a whole host of neurochemicals.  This situation can feel very overwhelming and often we feel stumped about how to respond.

The most helpful thing in this situation is connection.  Connection is OUR SUPERPOWER in the face of any overwhelming emotion because until your child feels connected and their lid is back online it is almost impossible for them to follow what you are asking them to do. 

Shouting or shaming will further activate the threat response ensuring the thinking brain remains offline while warm words and physical connection sends a message to the brain that they are safe  - this calms down the neurological surge in their bodies and essentially helps our kids to move from “I am in danger” to “I am safe”. 

And this doesn’t need to be complicated, it might look something like

“It looks like you are having a really hard time, it’s so frustrating when your sister takes your things without asking”

While the words we use are important, our words are the least thing that our children will hear.  Validation and connection happen most powerfully through our non-verbal behaviour – for this reason it is super important that we remain mindful of things like our posture, tone of voice and facial expression.  Our posture needs to be open; our tone needs to be warm and our facial expression needs to be compassionate.   

Prioritising connection is valuable for so many reasons:

 

·      It supports our kids to get their listening and thinking brain back online

·      It moves them from “I am in danger” to “I am safe”

·      It deepens our relationship with them by giving them the experience of being seen and understood

·      It supports the development of their own regulation skills

When we have a child who is overwhelmed by their big feeling our default is often to talk our children out of how they are feeling….” there is nothing to be anxious about”, “it doesn’t matter just play with someone else”.  Sound familiar? It does to me.  But this is not helpful for a number of reasons. Firstly, your child will not be able to hear you when they are in a dysregulated state and secondly we don’t want to talk our kids out of their feeling.  We need our children to trust their feeling because at some point in their lives they might be in a genuine threatening situation and they need to able to trust what they are feeling so that they can act with confidence and keep themselves safe.   

Connection and validation is hard and there is absolutely no chance you will be able to do this all the time – BUT the more we do manage to do it the more we are supporting our children to build their own regulation while also strengthening our relationship with them. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The multitasking fallacy

  Ever wonder how your kids manage to spend 6 hours online on a normal Tuesday? They have school for at least 6 hours, they play football, they eat dinner, do their homework, and maybe even watch a bit of TV! They do it because they multitask.   They are on their phones while travelling to school, they are on their phone while eating their lunch, they are on their phones while they are writing their English essay, they might even be on their phones while they brush their teeth before going to bed.   We are a population of multitaskers - watching something on the TV while scrolling Instagram, cooking dinner and shouting solutions to maths problems over our shoulder.   And our kids are no different, they often spent their entire day multi-tasking.   The thing about multi-tasking is that it FEELS hugely effective but is actually hugely ineffective.   Working on a report for work and simultaneously answering emails often makes us feel good but in fact what it means is that we are doing
Post a Comment
Read more

Understanding the connection between anger and self worth

  I was listening to podcast yesterday with Dr Becky Kennedy, the author of Good Inside, and she said this “Anger is a sign that we have preserved access to our self-worth.”   When we have a high level of self-worth and we do not have access to the things we need we feel angry.   She talked about having a “healthy entitlement” to what you want and need which is intimately connected to feeling worthy. Psychologists often consider anger to be a secondary emotion.   Anger is often what we see when people are feeling any number of other emotions – shame, humiliation, grief.   Anger is often easier to express than shame or humiliation.   It is often easier to say “I’m so livid about what happen” than “I feel really ashamed about what happened”.   Brene Brown in her beautiful book Atlas of the Heart suggests that as many as 20 of the 87 emotions she identifies in the book are likely to present as anger.   How we manage our emotions is influenced by our upbringing.   In many households
Post a Comment
Read more

Most Generous Interpretation (Dr Becky Kennedy)

Dr Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist based in the US, has coined the term Most Generous Interpretation. This concept stems from the basic idea that we are all good inside. Adapting this concept creates space for us to be curious about other people’s behaviour and supports us to shift from “what is wrong with you” to “why is this behaviour happening”. So how do we take this idea and make it applicable in our everyday relationship moments?  Essentially, we do this by asking one simple question “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened.”   Imagine the scenario – you have just arrived home after a long day at work, you come in the front door and your daughter asks if you have remembered to pick up her book from the library.  You have completely forgotten and apologise to your daughter.  Your daughter starts shouting at you “you are rubbish, you never think about me, I hate you” So how do we respond.  For most of us this will activate our own threat response
Post a Comment
Read more