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Why connection is a superpower


 

So, we all know the scenario, we have a child who is completely overwhelmed by whatever big feeling has shown up – anxiety, frustration, anger.   Their lid is flipped and their body is surging with a whole host of neurochemicals.  This situation can feel very overwhelming and often we feel stumped about how to respond.

The most helpful thing in this situation is connection.  Connection is OUR SUPERPOWER in the face of any overwhelming emotion because until your child feels connected and their lid is back online it is almost impossible for them to follow what you are asking them to do. 

Shouting or shaming will further activate the threat response ensuring the thinking brain remains offline while warm words and physical connection sends a message to the brain that they are safe  - this calms down the neurological surge in their bodies and essentially helps our kids to move from “I am in danger” to “I am safe”. 

And this doesn’t need to be complicated, it might look something like

“It looks like you are having a really hard time, it’s so frustrating when your sister takes your things without asking”

While the words we use are important, our words are the least thing that our children will hear.  Validation and connection happen most powerfully through our non-verbal behaviour – for this reason it is super important that we remain mindful of things like our posture, tone of voice and facial expression.  Our posture needs to be open; our tone needs to be warm and our facial expression needs to be compassionate.   

Prioritising connection is valuable for so many reasons:

 

·      It supports our kids to get their listening and thinking brain back online

·      It moves them from “I am in danger” to “I am safe”

·      It deepens our relationship with them by giving them the experience of being seen and understood

·      It supports the development of their own regulation skills

When we have a child who is overwhelmed by their big feeling our default is often to talk our children out of how they are feeling….” there is nothing to be anxious about”, “it doesn’t matter just play with someone else”.  Sound familiar? It does to me.  But this is not helpful for a number of reasons. Firstly, your child will not be able to hear you when they are in a dysregulated state and secondly we don’t want to talk our kids out of their feeling.  We need our children to trust their feeling because at some point in their lives they might be in a genuine threatening situation and they need to able to trust what they are feeling so that they can act with confidence and keep themselves safe.   

Connection and validation is hard and there is absolutely no chance you will be able to do this all the time – BUT the more we do manage to do it the more we are supporting our children to build their own regulation while also strengthening our relationship with them. 

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