What number are you? And does it matter?

Are you the oldest, the youngest or in the middle? And does it matter? The honest answer is we don’t know.  While there are certainly traits and possible advantages and disadvantages of birth order most research now suggests that inherited temperaments have more influence on our personality than our position in our families. Although interestingly the research also suggests that we as parents have more influence over our children’s experience of their position in the family than we previously thought. 

So, holding all of that in mind what do we know about the statistics on birth order

First born

I guess the first obvious thing we know about first born children is that they are the only children who have the full attention of their parents even if this is for a very short period.  The oldest child tends to be the most responsible of our children, often working hard to do things well.  They see their parent’s competence and want to copy what they see.  From this perspective the oldest child will often (not always) tend to have more perfectionistic traits than children in other positions.

For our oldest children it’s important that we give them permission to “be a child” and not expect them to present in a grown up way all of the time.  Unconsciously we all carry expectations about our oldest children and without pausing we will often say things like “that is not the behaviour I expect from the oldest.”  While hearing this now and then will have little impact, hearing this all of the time takes away their permission to be one of the gang and can unwittingly support a fixed rather than a growth mindset.   

Middle children

There are lots of stereotypes around middle children – they are often described as resentful and feeling like they don’t belong.  Middle children were the youngest in the family until someone else came along and they often struggle with not having a clearly delineated role.  They are often deemed too young for the privileges that the oldest child enjoys and too old to be given the lenience that is often preserved for the youngest child.  Sometimes to create a role for themselves they will observe what their older sibling is doing and do the opposite.  If the older child is studious the middle child may take a more rebellious route. 

However as with all birth positions there is some significant advantages to being in the middle. As a result of their positioning middle children often develop stronger friendships outside of the home and are often the most empathetic and compassion among us.  With these skills in their toolkit middle children often make great team players and partners.

For our middle children it is important that we recognise their need for time and attention.  The more we can remain curious and prioritise one-on-one time the greater felt sense of belonging our middle children will have.  

Youngest child

When you arrive last it can feel like all the positions are already taken, the responsible one, the rebellious one ….. and like middle children it can sometimes (not always) be difficult to find your spot.  Because of this the last born is often much more adapt at exploring new territory and taking risks.  Frank Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel, describes youngest children as “more exploratory and open to new experiences.” 

Our youngest children are often our funniest, using humour and play as an effective strategy to pull people closer to them.   Sometimes the youngest child in the family may be perceived as manipulative by their siblings but perhaps using their status as the youngest is their way of levelling the playing field and giving them a fighting chance of success.

Supporting our youngest can look like letting them feel seen and needed by giving them responsibility and fundamentally taking the time to listen to their ideas and taking their contributions seriously.  

Finally ….

While the jury remains out on the impact of birth order there is very little doubt that our interactions with our siblings influence who we eventually become and the where we land on the mental health curve.  In the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed its participants since 1938, there is clear evidence that sibling relationships were more predictive to life long wellbeing than things like closeness to parents or divorce. With altercations in these relationships being linked to depression and loneliness among adults.    

So whatever position you are it is worth nurturing our own siblings’ relationships and encouraging our children to do the same.  As Waldinger writes “The good life is not a destination it is the path itself and the people who are walking it with you. As you walk, second by second, you can decide to whom and to what to give your attention.  Week by week, you can prioritize your relationships and choose to be with the people who matter.  Year by year, you can find purpose and meaning through the lives you enrich and the relationships you cultivate.  By developing your curiosity and reaching out to others – family, loved ones, friends, acquaintances – even strangers – with one thoughtful question at a time, an moment of devoted, authentic attention at a time, you strengthen the foundation of a good life”