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Relationships: The power of SMALL


 


John and Julie Gottman just published “The seven day love prescription”.  For the past fifty years these world-renowned researchers have been researching love and relationships.  So much interesting data has emerged from their research but their general philosophy, based on decades of research, is SMALL.  They suggest that “tiny little doses, every day is what it takes to make a healthy relationship. Why? Because that’s exactly what a relationship is – not one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day for a life time”.   

So, what does this look like in reality? PRACTICE. According to the Gottman’s, love is not a feeling but an action.  They suggest that being good at loving other people is a skill that we can all get better at with practice. 

Sometimes when we think about connection in our relationships, we think about date nights or a weekend away without the kids.  And because we think about connection in these terms, we often feel we need lots of time and energy to “really connect.” This is not true.  We have opportunities for meaningful connection all the time, the smile from our partner on the way out of the kitchen, the comment about the beautiful sunset, the hot cup of coffee that appears in the morning….. but many of us are not even aware that these are what Gottman calls “bids for connection”

A bid for connection is essentially anything we do to connect with our partner.  This might be pointing out what our child is doing, sitting down next to them, touching their shoulder, commenting on how they managed a difficult interaction.  It can even be as subtle as a sigh after a hard day at work.   

These are very small moments in the grand scheme of life, but it is within these small moments that we build resilience and growth into our relationships. 

According to the Gottman’s research when we notice a bid for connection, we tend to respond in one of three ways

1.       Turning Towards: Noticing our partners bid for attention and responding.  This might be answering      them, it might be touching their shoulder, it might be something as small as saying “what.” 

2.       Turning Away: We make no response.  We might ignore them or maybe not even notice that they were   trying to connect with us

3.       Turning Against: We respond with irritation to shut down the bid for connection

This might look something like this - you and your partner are sitting in the sitting room.  Your partner is scrolling on their phone and asks you to have a look at something funny.  To turn towards your partner in this circumstance you might respond with something like “show me” or “read it out to me” or maybe “I will have a look in a minute just let me finish this”.  Turning away is ignoring their comment by either not listening or listening but choosing to ignore what they are saying.  Turning against your partner in this circumstance might be responding in a dismissive or aggressive way - “not now I’m busy” or “that’s ridiculous”

We are human and there is no possibility that we will manage to turn towards our partners all the time.  The good news is that we don't need to do this every single time, but the very important news is that how much we turn towards really does matter to the quality of our relationship.  What the Gottman’s found in their research is

·       Couples who got divorced only turned toward their partners bid for connection 33% of the time

·       Couples who stayed together had turned towards their partner 86% of the time

Often when we are experiencing difficulties in our relationships, we want to focus on conflict resolution.  And while this is important conflict is a very emotive topic for most of us and it can be very hard to change but focusing on very small moments of connection can feel much more manageable.  And the research is clear the more we turn toward each other in the normal everyday moments the better resourced we are to manage the inevitable ups and downs of our relationships.   

Every time we manage to turn towards our partner we are essentially investing in our relationship.  Returning their smile, looking up from our laptops to respond to their comments, squeezing their shoulder as they walk past.  We cannot do this all of the time; we are human and sometimes it is just too hard.  But when we can, we should, because it is these SMALL moments that build resilience in our relationships and give us a much better shot at the long haul.

The Seven Day Love Prescription. Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman (2022)


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