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The stories we give our children matter


 

Who were you when you were little – were you the clever one, the sporty one, the quiet one, the anxious one ….?

We are all the recipients of a unique narrative in childhood and this narrative, often lovingly bestowed, can have powerful consequences. Quite often the stories that we receive as children can perpetuate what we feel we can and can’t do. We often internalise the idea that we are too anxious to go for a part in the school play or too clumsy to try out for the school football team.  This also works the other way - when children are given labels like bright or naturally gifted what the research now tells us is that these kids can often shy away from challenges because of the fear of failure and not living up to everyone’s expectations. 

When our children are repeatedly described in a particular way, they will start to believe these messages about themselves, and these beliefs can hold a strong influence across their social and academic functioning. Once children start accepting the story they have been given they start to subconsciously look for evidence to support this story and often use the story to make sense of things that are happening “I must have failed the test because I am not very clever”; “I wasn’t invited to the party because I am too quiet”. 

There are number of things that we need to hold in mind as parents.

Firstly, it is developing an awareness that the stories we give our children and the way we describe them both to ourselves and others matters.  Generally, how we label our children is not very inclusive.  We might refer to our youngest as an anxious child who struggles with new situations…. but actually, this refers to only a small part of what makes that child unique.  Children can be anxious AND creative AND brave AND hard working ……. By privileging one label over another we are unwittingly diminishing all of the other amazing fantastic parts of our children’s story.  

As parents we hold incredible power in this regard because our children tend to view themselves through our lens. If we can broaden our lens to encompass the whole person, this will allow our children to also broaden their lens to see themselves as so much more than their anxiety, their shyness, their loudness…… or whatever the dominant story happens to be.

This awareness can also impact the family stories we do or don’t pass on to our children – what people in this family should be good at, what we do when we feel overwhelmed by our big feelings, how we treat other people, what makes us loveable…… and so the list continues.  As parents we need to pay attention to what we privilege in our families – What is it that prompts the most praise in our families? What are the things we get most upset about? How do we respond when our children make a mistake?  

In our lives we are often waiting for the extraordinary moments to create change in our stories – the big family trip, the expensive weekend by the coast, the special dinner out, and while these moments can be hugely enjoyable, they are not the most important moments.  The most important moments are the micro moments that happen every day, the lost school shoe five minutes before we need to leave, the 10-year-old who falls out with her friends because she made a bad decision and is very upset on the journey home from school, the football breaking the front window.  It is these ordinary moments that hold the power to create positive inclusive narratives about our children.  You have lost your shoe again but I see that you have been very organised with your packed lunch today, you may have hurt your friends’ feelings AND I am very proud of you for saying sorry, please be more careful with the football AND thank you for being so honest about what happened.     By doing this you are thickening their narrative and supporting them to recognise all parts of themselves.

We are all human and we are all going to hold stories about our children in our heads. What we need to be mindful of is the inclusivity of these stories. 

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