If you have more then one child
the chances are you often feel like a referee in your own home. We know that even the most loving siblings
still have moments of intense feelings with one another.
Our children fight for all sorts
of reasons – not enough hot water left in the shower, someone has eaten the
last slice of bread, someone has to sit in the middle seat of the car – pretty
much as soon as you move from a one child family all families experience this
to a greater or lesser degree. One way to look at this is around scarcity and
survival. Instinctual competition is
hardwired into human survival and when there are more children than adults
around (and even when there isn’t) this can create competition for attention
and resources and leave our children less able to experience empathy - we are
all so much better at empathy when we are not worried about getting our own
needs met.
But whether it’s fighting over
the shower, or maybe the attention of mum and dad this constant rivalry and
bickering can be exhausting and incredibly disruptive. And while we recognise this as a very normal
and healthy part (supporting them to deal with conflict and develop effective
ways of communicating their needs) of growing up it’s not easy to remember or
appreciate this part when we are witnessing round 15 of the day.
So, with the acknowledgement that
some level of sibling rivalry is normal, what can we do as parents to reduce
the frequency and maybe even use the arguments/fights as opportunities for
growth….
1 What does treating our kids
fairly mean?
You might be familiar with the
picture of three children of different heights trying to watch a football match
over a fence. Treating them fairly would be providing them
all with a wooden box to stand on….. but is this the most helpful approach? Not
necessarily! The tallest child can already see over the fence and doesn’t need
a box, the middle child only needs one box and the smallest child needs two
boxes to be able to get his little head over the fence.
Treating our children fairly
means that we need to consider each of our children as individuals who require
a specific type of support based on their unique set of skills. Often, we get so caught up in ‘being fair’
that we fail to recognise that what works really well for one child may not
work well for another.
2. Teaching them how
None of us are born with an
innate ability to manage conflict. So as
parent we can expect to have to set limits over and over again, supporting our children
with the words they use, how they hold their bodies and how much their tone of
voice can change the meaning of even the most innocuous words.
Laura Markham, who writes
extensively about managing siblings’ relationships has three helpful steps
·
Start by acknowledging feeling or wants
“I can see that you really want that truck that your little brother is playing
with so you pushed him over” or “I can see how frustrating it is when your
brother spends so long in the bathroom when you are waiting”
·
Reminder of the limits or boundaries of the
house “It’s OK to feel angry about it but it’s not OK to push him over” or
“Even though I absolutely get why you are shouting can you please wait for him
to come out”
·
Teach alternatives “If you would like the
truck from your brother, you could say “please may I have the truck”, and if he
doesn’t want to give it to you we can agree for you to have it after lunch” or
“It might be helpful for you and your brother to agree what times you want to
have showers in the morning, that way you can avoid this situation happening
again”
By taking time to coach our
children rather than immediately jumping in to resolve whatever the difficulty
is we are proving them with the opportunity to develop some very important life
skills.
3. Never compare
You know the scenario you are
trying to get your children to brush their teeth, one child is resisting and
before you know it you have said “why can’t you just be a bit more like your sister,
she has already brushed her teeth and is already in bed”. We normally do this from a place of loving
intention to try and motivate our children and get through whatever it is…. but
actually, what our children hear is “she thinks my sister is better than me”
and over time this can become a dominant narrative in our little people’s head.
Instead, it is helpful (and very
hard sometimes!) to focus on even the smallest positive thing that is happening
in that moment – the way he put the top back on the toothpaste or got his water
cup ready to rinse when he eventually gets round to brushing his teeth. By shifting your focus to the positive (even
if they feel minute) you are supporting your little person to develop a
positive story about themselves, and this positive story will be so much more
protective of their relationship with their siblings than a story of comparison
and competition.
4 Be mindful of the triggers
It’s important that as parents we
pay attention to the number of positive and negative interactions our children
have throughout the day. The research
suggest that we need a ratio of 5:1 for a relationship to grow and
flourish. If we can pay attention to
those situations where we know the odds of a fallout are much higher, we can
try and reduce the frequency of those situations – maybe it’s the hour before
bed when everyone is feeling super tired, or maybe it’s when you go to their
grandma’s house and she only had one bike - by spotting the trigger situations
we can use this information to plan ahead - bring another bike, make sure they
have time alone during that hour before bedtime. This also works in reverse, if we pay
attention to the times when they get on really well, we can make sure that we
are facilitating more of these opportunities – if they both love a particular beach
go there more often or if they both enjoy snuggling on the sofa to watch a
movie let’s make sure we save time for this on the weekend. Our children experiencing positive
interactions with one another matters, it is in these small moments that strong
relationships are built.
5. Checking in with ourselves
We didn’t sign up to be our
children’s referee, yet somehow, we often find ourselves in exactly that
position. Sometimes numerous times a
day!
This is exhausting and after a
long day at work often impossible to navigate in the way you would like. When we are feeling low on resource our
ability to respond to our children in a helpful way is greatly diminished. And paying attention to this fact is important
because if we are feeling dysregulated, we will not be able to regulate
children who are also overwhelmed by their big feelings. In this situation it is absolutely paramount
that you take some time out to look after yourself first. I know this can feel very counterintuitive
and often impossible in a busy household. But even 60 seconds of deep breathing
or dancing to your favourite song will make a difference and this difference
sometimes might be enough for us to be
able to see the opportunity for growth when we hear the screaming from the
living room over the remote control. And
sometimes it wouldn’t and that’s OK too.
Finally,
Somewhere along the way our
children are going to struggle in their relationships with one another. This is part of being human, it’s part of
their journey, it’s a right of passage.
Some aspects of this will bring about learning and growth but it needs guidance
and support. If we can nurture our
children through these experiences by walking alongside them rather than
carrying them, we are gifting them the opportunity to manage conflict and hold
their own boundaries, skills definitely worth the investment.
❤️
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