It's OK not to feel OK

 

This appears to be one of the central messages from 2020.  It’s been spotted in tube stations, on buses, in telephone boxes and repeatedly in our twitter feed. 

So, what does it actually mean - it’s OK not to feel OK  

As young children we were all repeatedly told to cheer up or to calm down.  So much so that many of us have internalised a script about which emotions we can and can’t express.  And although the field of psychology has long championed the benefits of positive emotions on our wellbeing, we can often feel overwhelmed with the unrelenting pressure to be embrace positivity.   

Fortunately, what we now know is that we actually need all of our emotions – not just those that make us feel good like gratitude and joy but also the ones that really don’t feel so great like anger and anxiety.      The reason our emotions are so important is because they act as our internal compass and draw our attention to the important things that are happening in our lives – feeling anxious in response to a threat, feeling angry in response to an injustice, feeling grateful in response to kindness.  So, it is not only OK to not feel OK it’s actually fundamental for our wellbeing. 

Feeling anxious in any threatening situation is helpful.  When we see a large dog coming our way, we need our bodies and minds to respond automatically, to activate the fight/flight/freeze response that makes our bodies strong and our minds focused to keep ourselves safe.  What we are experiencing at the moment is different, yes, it is a threat but this is a threat that is sticking around for the long game. When our bodies stress response is always on, the physiological response remains active. This means that stress is no longer helping us to feel energised and alert but is in fact becoming hugely unhelpful to our physical and emotional wellbeing.    And this makes sense, in the beginning we all had a sense of energy and togetherness; the evenings were longer and sunnier and the attitude of we can do hard things was strong.  We are now entering the 11^th month of the global pandemic and the unrelenting disruption and uncertainty is leaving many us feeling completely depleted.  And this is normal, this isn’t about personal failure, this is about an incredibely difficult situation that is out of our control. 

We need to allow ourselves to acknowledge and accept the tough emotions we are all feeling.  It’s OK to have days when we feel despair, it’s OK to have days when we feel intense sadness, it’s OK to have days when we feel joy.  What’s helpful to remember is that generally these emotions will arrive, stay for a while and eventually move off again to be replaced by the next emotion.   And although incredibly hard to do in the moment it can often be helpful to just remind ourselves that this is how we feel “for now”.

Right now, it’s our own resource bucket that matters.  When we look after ourselves we have so much more resource to manage the big feelings and when we are managing our own big feelings our capacity  to look after the other people in our care is so much greater. So, what are the things that help each one of us cope with difficult situations and how can we ensure we are making space for these things, because ultimately these are the things that are going to pull us all through this.

This is not about adding to our current load and giving ourselves yet another thing to feel guilty about – it’s about thinking about the smallest tiniest steps we can take to look after ourselves.  Small manageable steps feel so much more achievable and right now we need things that feel achievable.  This might be a five minute walk, a six minute kitchen disco, a four minute chat, 3 minutes outside, a six second hug , an early night.

Difficult times mean difficult emotions, let these emotions do their job and guide our attention to what is important right now.    And let's all remember the importance of self care and give ourselves permission to put our own oxygen mask on first.