Five ways we can support our children back to school in September

 

                                        "Just show up, be brave, be kind, rest, try again"

                                                                                                Glennon Doyle  

After almost 6 months out of school it can feel very daunting to contemplate the return to school. Many children and young people will be feeling anxious about the prospect and will worry about many things…. will my friends still want to sit with me, will I remember anything about maths, will the timetable be the same, will my new teacher know that I find spellings hard.  Our brains really struggle with high levels of unpredictability and right now although going back to school is massively important for both our physical and emotional wellbeing for some children (not all) this will be a difficult transition to make.  

Feeling Worried is Normal

It’s normal for our children to feel worried about returning to school and it’s important that we recognise their worries as legitimate, which can actually be difficult to do in the context of a global pandemic. 

Some of our children will be able to tell us they have a worried feeling and why, while others will struggle to recognise or name what they are feeling.  We are all familiar with what anxiety is but we may not always recognise when it’s lurking in disguise.  For many children anxiety can present in a whole host of ways, sore tummies, belligerent behaviour, not wanting to do things they normally enjoy or withdrawing to their bedroom.  What can help enormously is taking a curious stance and looking beneath the behaviour for what may be causing the difficulties.  For example, the little boy really struggling to get out of the car to go into the shoe shop may actually be really struggling with the thought of going back to school.  One wonderful way of being curious is a technique from Louise Bomber called Wondering Aloud.  This generally involves 3 steps: 

•         Noticing a change in our child’s behaviour
•         Describing this change
•        Making a very tentative remark about why the child might be feeling this way

It might look something like this…

“It looks like you are really struggling to leave the car to go and get your new shoes. I wonder if you are feeling a little bit worried about going back to school next week, maybe because you have been at home for such a long time”

Giving a child a sense if what their experiences might mean is an incredibly helpful way of connecting with them and once you have connection it is so much easier to move forward in any situation.  It can initially feel strange to respond to apparent misbehaviour with support and empathy but try and hold in mind that behaviour is always a form of communication and what our young people are probably saying is “I need some help right now; I am having a really tricky time”.  And once they (and you) are in a calmer place you can address the behaviour and think together about the most appropriate way forward.    

Re-establish routines

After a lazy summer it can feel daunting to even think about the demands and challenges of the new school year and although this school year is without a doubt going to be more challenging one thing that remains the same is the need to re-establish the school term routine.  

Children and young people love routines and many thrive knowing what is going to be happening and when.  Try to find out as much information as you can about what school is going to look like for each of your children.  Will they be attending on a full-time basis, who will be in their bubble, what is the plan for the first day back, what is the plan for making up the lessons that were missed in the last academic year (a source of significant anxiety for some young people)   Sometimes it can be helpful to mentally rehearse what will happen on the first day.  You can help them to imagine walking through the door, where they are going to put their things and who they are going to talk to.  By doing this it may allow your child to identify the main areas that are fuelling their anxiety and you can then support them to problem solve these particular worries.   

Our children have enjoyed six months free from alarms going off and shouts from the bottom of the stairs to hurry up.  Many children have enjoyed late nights and increased access to technology and gaming devices.  This has been incredibly helpful through this lockdown period but unless gradually reduced may create significant difficulties once we are back into the normal school routine.  Over the next few weeks, it will be really helpful for us as parents to start to think about reintroducing a schedule that will allow an easier transition back in to the school environment.  This doesn’t have to be complicated or sudden, it just means gradually getting our kids into bed at an earlier time, gradually getting them up earlier in the morning and gradually reducing their screen time, especially prior to going to sleep.  

Maintain back to school rituals

Rituals are a really helpful way of supporting our children to feel safe and contained and can also send a message of optimism that their world is continuing to move forward.  We all have various rituals around the new school year - buying new stationary, the trip to the shoe shop, a final ice cream on the beach.  These rituals, although simple, ground our children and help retain some level of predictability in the face of lots of unpredictability. 

Strengthening relationships

Our relationships are the single biggest predictor of our overall happiness and wellbeing and this is no different for our children and young people. Peer relationships play a very important role in children’s lives and become even more influential as children enter adolescence. 

Over the past 6 months many of our children have had little if any direct face to face contact with their peer group and this has raised significant anxiety for many young people.  Without the daily organic interactions with their peers they can feel deskilled and anxious about being reunited.   If possible, it would be really helpful if we can support our children to re-engage, in a safe socially distanced way, with at least one of their close friends.  This scaffolding will allow them the opportunity to challenge some of the unhelpful thoughts that may have built up in their own minds and to recognise that it’s OK, this is something they are able to manage. 

Looking after you

What we are feeling as parents and carers tends to ripple down through our families and right now, all of us will have had many moments of anxiety or frustration.  You all know the scenario, you have managed to stop your children squabbling over the remote control, you have taken the dog out, prepared lunch, found a repair person to fix the leaking toilet and suddenly one of your children is crying hysterically because they can’t find the pencil case they need for school tomorrow.  In this moment what our child needs more than anything else is an empathic compassionate response that leaves them feeling seen and understood.  But in this moment, this can be incredibly difficult and perhaps impossible if we have not taken the time to look after our own wellbeing.   These are some simple ideas to hold in mind over the next few weeks…

• Let’s start by noticing our achievements, however small they may be.  Our brains are wired with something called a negativity bias which means that we are really good at noticing the things we do wrong and ignoring the things we do well…. But we can train our brains through deliberate practice to notice our achievements and the good news is that over time our amazing brains will start to do this automatically.  So, let’s start patting ourselves on the back for each small achievement and our children may even learn the power of self-praise in the process.     
• Just as relationships and connection are important for our children and young people, they are also fundamental to our own wellbeing. Talking with trusted family members or friends who are good at listening without judging has never been more important.  When we feel well supported and understood as parents or carers it is so much easier to respond to those around us with empathy and compassion. 
• Protect time for yourself and find simple ways to relax, a warm bath, a walk, 20 minutes to read a good book.  It really doesn’t matter what it is as long as you protect some time to do it regularly. If we do this while also looking after our physical health with regular nutritious meals, some physical activity and good sleep our ability to manage those many tricky moments will be so much better. (If you would like some further ideas on looking after your own wellbeing please see my previous blog post ‘Some simple ideas for looking after our own wellbeing’)

Finally, we know that our children’s brains are only able to learn when they feel calm, so make this the priority and feel confident that by placing our children’s wellbeing front and centre learning will follow.